28/05/2015
So you wanna grow a beard?

Words by

Madeline Smith

If you’re a citizen of the world who owns eyeballs, you’ve probably noticed a marked increase in men sprouting facial hair. Long gone are the days when beards made you think of your creepy great-uncle. Now every #dadbod, lumbersexual and hipster guy out there is sporting a flavour saver and with good reason.

A beard is like a good booty. Most of it comes down to natural selection, but when you work hard to sculpt it, you immediately elevate your position in society to being a bona fide babe.

Growing a beard is not simply a matter of abandoning your grooming routine. In fact, a good beard requires a lot of dedication and patience. So before you embark on a journey to becoming a dapper bearded fellow, here’s a few things you ought to know.

1. Scissors are your beard’s friend
In order to grow hair, you need to refrain from cutting it, right? Wrong. Sure, you need to let it grow for a bit, but once you have a bit of length behind it, you need to get your soup strainer trimmed every couple of months to tidy up split ends and maintain a neat and uniform shape. This is better left to the professionals so that you don’t screw up and spend the next hour evening up the sides until you’re left with stubble.

2. Neckbeard is NEVER sexy
Unless your beard goes past your collarbone, you’re not fooling anyone. We can see your neckbeard and it screams ‘lazy’. Just because you have a lush face forest, doesn’t mean you can forget to trim your neck weeds. Failure to groom your neck (and any hairs that creep past your cheekbones), means you’ll end up looking as though your favourite pastimes include:

  • a) participating in League of Legends marathons
  • b) seeing how many packets of Mi Goreng you can eat in one sitting and
  • c) pants with elasticated waistbands.

3. Wax on
Moustache wax, beard balm, beard oil, beard wash, beard conditioner, soaps, combs and scrubbers are all beard-related products that you may encounter as a beard owner. Admittedly, you won’t need to use all of these things, but you should use at least three of these to keep your beard in tip top shape. A good beard wash, oil and moustache wax can be all the products you need to ensure your mane is looking fresh to death. Does this seem like a lot of products compared to your pre-beard arsenal of a razor and some shaving foam? Then maybe you should reconsider your journey to real manhood.

With a great beard comes great responsibility. The benefits of a majestic beard are plenty but if you don’t know how to care for one, you might be better off bare. 

Image via RY.com.au