Last week, kween of Instagram and shh-finger selfies, Kylie Jenner, posted her exhausting makeup routine on Snapchat, totally voiding any remaining need to sign up to her paid app. You know, other than wanting to watch EVEN MORE selfie videos set to Tyga’s music. So, as a certified non-makeup wearer and lazy person, I decided to do a little experiment on myself. Because I’m here for your amusement, guys. I’m pretty sure that’s what they call “real love.”
Remember that movie where Mel Gibson spends a solo night pampering himself in order to understand women better, and he can suddenly hear everything women are thinking? Yeah well I'm totally about to What Women Want this Kylie Jenner makeup tutorial shit. Maybe I'll wake up with 5 million new followers and free lip filler. #worthit
I start by lighting up a ciggie and putting on sheer knee stockings (because, Gibson), followed by lining up every piece of makeup I’ve ever owned, and a bunch of unopened crap I got in gift bags that I’ve literally never looked at before. First thought: WTF is brow gel. Second thought: Thank god I didn’t have to buy brow gel for this.
I find a YouTube video of the Snappy story and realise the first step before you even do any makeup is to have amazing, already-blowdried hair. I do not, and therefore I have already failed at Being Kylie Jenner. Onward!
After applying primer and foundation in a mystery shade that a lovely PR once hastily shoved into a gift bag whilst obvy considering my exact skin tone, I draw on the kind of Italiano brows I’ve been avoiding since birth. At this point I look like John Howard in his younger years, if someone had thrown a flour bomb at his face.
Next up I crack open the only eye shadow I own. Three moths and a ghost fly out. I sigh with relief that it’s not in various shades of blue. Hey, it’s been a while since I used eyeshadow. Tbh, usually if I am forced at gunpoint to put makeup on, I just smear a strong lip onto my bare face on the tram using my phone as a mirror, and hope it throws off the camera flash like some sort of magical filter.
I follow King Kylie’s suggestion to apply eyeshadow almost all the way up to my brows (kind of like when you do Bride of Frankenstein makeup on Halloween), and then also, on KJ’s instructions, BELOW the eyeline. I don’t know exactly WTF is happening, but I’m pretty sure the panda eye is meant to be a post-3am experience only.
The last step in the KJ experience forces me to use lip liner for the first time in my life (because I’m not an 80-year-old woman on a Latino soap opera), and I emerge from the harsh bathroom light into the sun for a selfie. I throw out a trout pout, and to my surprise (and a shitload of filters later), I legit look like a Kardash.
Like, maybe not a main character Kardash. More like 'Krystal Kardashian', the Barbie Kardashian whose mum entered her in regional pageants and yelled loudly from the sidelines at physie whilst muttering that she should’ve applied more hairspray to her daughter’s butt.
I post a photo to Insta during certified Insta downtime and get more likes than ever. I’m not saying I cried with happiness, I just had something in my eye. And I’m not sure what it is, because at this point it could be upwards of 124 possible products.
Thank you Kylie, for this magical gift. #blessed #sisters
Follow Bianca Kardashian’s questionable makeup journey over at @_thesecondrow
Illustration by Twylamae.