Sure, Melbourne Fashion Week is fun. And it's even more fun if you spend the weeks leading up to it receiving invitations, collecting packages and unwrapping free clothes.
But what if you’re an average person who spends the time leading up to MFW trying to buy a ticket that doesn’t require binoculars? What if you’re not collecting any packages at all? And watching Youtube videos to figure out how you can use a pair of scissors to make a Supré skirt from 2008 look like Chloè Spring Summer 2017?
Well, if you fall into the latter category, this is what you need to do.
Write something controversial on a T-shirt
First there was the Gucci tee, then the Gnocchi tee and then there was that other Gucci tee that looked like it had been written on with a Sharpie.
At Fashion Week, if you’re wearing a logo, slogan or any kind of controversial remark, you’re going to get snapped.
All you really need to do is get out your Connector Pens and go to town on an old white T-shirt. Bonus points if it has moth-like holes throughout.
Wear all of your colourful clothes at once
If there’s any time you can dress like a straight-up crazy person and get away with it, it’s Fashion Week.
Pile on everything you own that’s colourful, give yourself a pep talk in the mirror, then strut into MFW like it ain’t no thang.
Rather than crossing the street to get away from you, people will applaud you. So creative. So confident. So chic.
Invest in one statement item
As tempting as it may be, we can’t all be forking out for a completely new outfit, just so we can sit in Row E. There are far better things to spend our money on, like champagne at the bar. However, this DOES NOT mean you shouldn’t treat yo’self, even just a little.
The key here is to invest in one look-at-me statement item, such as a handbag, personalised denim jacket, platform shoes or extreme sunglasses. Wear it with your most basic bitch outfit, and it will look like you’re balanced, rather than just flat broke.
Use a novelty phone case
We all know those street style shots from fashion weeks around the world, where a mystery girl is busy tapping away on her oversized teddy bear/ice cream cone/unicorn phone. Do you remember what any of them were wearing? No, me either.
Pick yourself up a novelty phone case and pretend to be doing something very important as you enter the venue.
Avoid carrying a bag at all costs
A technique employed by editors, bloggers and general famous people that are so busy, they can only make a quick pit stop to see the show before hurrying off somewhere else equally fabulous.
It requires you to ditch the bag and walk as quickly as you can into the fashion week venue wearing your sunglasses and holding only your phone.
Other than looking important, it will also imply you have a private driver waiting for you, when really your mum has gone to get a coffee while she waits.
Learn the art of layering
Many successful outfits from MFW occur because the wearer is a genius when it comes to layering. Who knew a sequin dress would go so well with a camo print jacket, spotty shirt, yellow sneakers and bejewelled beanie?
Make like these people and find a couple of pieces in your wardrobe that clash, in an I-didn’t-try-too-hard kinda way. Tie a shirt around your waist and voilà! You’re ready for Fashion Week.
Wear your plainest possible outfit
On the other hand, you could wear your plainest possible outfit and get just as much, if not more, attention.
People will think you're effortless, cool and rich, seeing as your whole outfit must be designer because who on earth would wear Target mom jeans and a tee to Melbourne Fashion Week? (Ahem).
Now you know what to wear, pick up your tickets for MFW here.