01/08/2016
It's called fashion, look it up.

Words by

Alyce Cowell

Remember when we all wore hipster jeans? The ones with the bootleg flare and cat whisker sandblasting? Rise so low we couldn’t lift our arms above our head for fear of indecent exposure? But they went perfectly with a boob tube crop and highlighted our diamante belly ring so well. So we did it. And today we have to deal with that choice. 

Ten years ago, a magical psychic fashion wizard like Anna Wintour could’ve told us that today we wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of our favourite jeans. But would we have listened? No. 

High-rise… skinny jeans? Um no. Just no. 

It makes us wonder: which trends seem totally normal now – cool, even – that next decade will set off our gag reflex? 

Grab your silver jumpsuit and hover board people. We’re heading for 2026.

1. Adidas Superstars… and probably sneakers in general 

All sneakers have their 15 minutes of fame and adidas Superstars happen to be having theirs right now. 

But like Etnies and DC’s before them, the Superstars will eventually start looking a bit strange with everything we wear. Like their predecessors, they will die a slow and painful death.

Sadly unlike their '90s counterparts, the Superstars will probably never get to experience a life of coloured beads on their laces, or the number ‘69’ written all over them in permanent marker.

2. Chokers

The Kardashians are always telling us how being this bloody famous is both a blessing and a curse. Pretty sure this theory also applies to one of the biggest trends of our generation, the choker. 

It’s a blessing because rn it obviously looks great. Need a finishing touch to your outfit? Add a choker! Want to make your white shirt and jeans look more directional? Add a choker! Worn the same outfit two days in a row? Add a choker!

The whole world is in a literal choke hold right now: from chunky S&M-inspired metal collars to tiny suede strings that take all morning to tie into the perfect bow, to silky ribbons we tuck our hair into, which actually feels quite uncomfortable but, well, #farshun. 

When a trend is this huge, it’s really only setting itself up for failure. And thus comes the curse. RIP chokers :(

3. Balayage hair 

Next decade, you’ll be having a glass of wine with your friend Tanya, flipping through old photos and being generally horrified at your fashion and beauty choices. 

“My hair!” Tanya will shriek, and you’ll laugh and laugh, and thank your lucky stars your hair no longer resembles overgrown roots.

Our balayage and ombre hair we love so much now will be the new Rachel from FRIENDS cut. Sooooooo 2010s. 

4. Bindis and metallic tattoos

If you went to a music festival without a stick-on bindi/metallic tattoos, did you even go to a music festival? 

As the equivalent of the early 2000s totally edgy hair mascara trend, it’s safe to say this one is going to give us a serious case of the cringeys in 10 years time. 

Photos of ourselves at festivals won’t help: did we actually think we were spiritual? Why did we love tribal designs so much? Why is everyone wearing a flower crown?

5. Kylie Jenner everything 

Back in my day, during the magical era of 2005, we were all about that op shop life. 

The pleated midi skirts worn as dresses belted under the bust. The coloured blazers from the ‘Big and Beautiful’ section with the extraordinarily large shoulder pads. The secondhand almond-toe kitten heels I regret putting my bare feet into. 

But times have changed and for some inexplicable reason, the style icon du jour is Kylie Jenner.

Shoutout to girls in their early twenties now, though – this is your time to shine! Let’s pop the matching tracksuits, new season Pumas and over-lined lips in a time capsule and see what happens.

6. Birkenstocks

Birkenstocks are like that friend who came to visit from overseas for a few days and ended up staying in your lounge room for a month so you couldn’t just ‘get’ to the other side of the room or walk around naked.

I think we’re all a little done with Birks at this point, but add another decade of fashion trends and personal reflection, and we’ll be wondering what on earth we ever saw in such an ugly and ergonomic sandal.  

7. The draped jacket 

Somewhere between being born and 2012, we all forgot how to wear jackets. It wasn’t our fault, it just kind of happened

“How does it go again? Two arms? No, no arms, just draped. No, just one shoulder draped. Yeah, one shoulder, that’s it.” 

But in 10 years time, we’ll all be a little older, a little wiser, and most likely wearing a sensible pantsuit – utilising both armholes of our jacket.

Illustration by Twylamae who doesn't ascribe to trends. She's got Seinfeld tees instead.

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