29/11/2016
Where’s my goodie bag?

Words by

Alyce Cowell

Here, in the future, there are some jobs that just didn’t exist when we were growing up. Social media manager is one. Also, app developer, Zumba instructor and of course, the almighty

*** FARSHUUUN BLOGGER ***

It’s a mysterious title. Nobody has any clue what the hell you actually do all day or who is paying you to do it. You are basically your neighbourhood’s Kim Kardashian.

Accordingly, there are plenty of things they don’t tell you about becoming a fashion blogger. It’s not all cash, clothes and front row seats, ya know. There’s also a dark side, filled with cold poached eggs, a bit too much alone time and an unlimited supply of laxative tea. 

Let’s discuss.

Content creation is f*cking time-consuming

That #homespo desk with perfectly-placed prints and fresh peonies is no goddamn accident, OK? It’s a carefully curated masterpiece that took two hours to set up. There’s shit everywhere just outside of the shot.

Also, that latte in the corner? IT’S COLD. Those flowers? THEY’RE PROBABLY FAKE. Life is really a big, beautiful lie and takes ages to put together.

Don’t even get me started on flatlays (a full-time job in itself) or the perfect #ootd (the other 9128370923525482 just weren’t quite right).

You should probably know how to write stuff

Look, pretty pictures are great and all, but if you’re putting any form of text on your blog, it’s a good idea to brush up on your basic spelling and grammar skillz. 

Nothing will make someone hate you more than if you spell ‘their’ like ‘there’. There’s just no coming back from those sorts of mistakes.

You’ll definitely get sick of free things (especially watches)

They say the best things in life are free, which is a saying I’m fairly sure was coined by a fashion blogger. 

The truth is, getting free stuff rules. Like when you get a free serum sample with your lipstick purchase or when McDonald’s accidentally gives you the wrong order and the other person spent way more money than you. 

However, there will come a time when you do get a little bit sick of free things – receiving, shooting, posting and storing free things is your job now, after all. 

This is particularly true for watches, which are the new laxative tea of the blogging world. 

It’s pretty much impossible to blog full-time

Let’s be honest: no one starts a blog with the hope their mum is the only one reading it. 

You start a blog because you want it to go off its head. You want to become so Insta-famous that you have a strict rule about only wearing gifted designer clothing, and you get sent to Bali for free SO MUCH that you just have to quit your day job. You couldn’t possibly fit it in. 

Unfortunately, turning your blog full-time is like winning the lotto. In fact, a lot of your favourite big-time bloggers still work in their regular jobs at least a couple of days a week. Why? Because that Alice McCall dress might look cute AF, but it don’t pay da bills.

The novelty of goodie bags will wear off, promise 

Do you remember your first time? You know, the first time you were managed to score a plus one to an event and finally scored an elusive fash-event goodie bag? 

A monogrammed cookie, a voucher for 20% off your next pair of shoes, a can of hairspray… you’d f*cking made it. Assistant recruitment process would start first thing tomorrow. 

Just like free things though, the appeal of the goodie bag starts to wane. Soon, you no longer feel the need to rifle through it as soon as you receive it and you start running out of room for all the cans of hairspray. Unless you’re Marge Simpson, there’s really no need for that many cans of hairspray in your life.

You can pick out the really famous bloggers – they don’t even take their goodie bags (hot tip: stay behind 15 minutes and they’re all yours).

You’ll definitely need an Instagram Husband

Behind every great blogger is a poor, faceless spouse or friend who is right there behind the lens, snapping all those #ootds.

Your special business partner must be as available as you are, happy to spend all their free time taking photos of you and have a very patient soul – you will definitely ask for a millionth re-take because you’re hair looks kinda weird in that one.

My advice: start a blog with a friend, strike up a partnership with a budding photographer, pay your work colleague in daily skim cappuccinos for their services or do something nice for your Instagram Husband in return.

You don’t get to keep everything you’re posting on your ’gram

It’s a completely regular occurrence for one of my friends to text me a picture from my Instagram, asking to borrow the outfit for a birthday on the weekend. 

I mean, I could tell you it was at the dry-cleaner, but I think we’re close enough now that you can handle the truth: I have to give a lot of those things back. You see, I loaned them to wear to an event or for Instagram content, and I actually don’t have any nice dresses for you to borrow. Sorry.

You gotta be cool with attending parties alone…

…and not be that Nigel No Friends in the corner eating all the macarons (more on that here). 

Mingling is the name of the game and it’s painfully uncomfortable. The only way it would be more uncomfortable is if you were naked, too. But sadly, it’s a fact of blog-life that agencies are sometimes cruel and don’t always give you a plus one. I think they like watching us squirm.

You have three options here: come up with an excuse as to why you can’t make it, text your blogging contacts to see who can leech onto as soon as you walk in the door, or suck it up and tell yourself there’ll be free champagne. 

You’ll be totally fine after 150 glasses.

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