26/10/2016
LIT.

Words by

Eliza Sholly

Fresh off the excitement of last week’s “overseas” trip to Tasmania, my fave gals are back.

If you’re like me, you spend a lot of your time wondering what the girls do to kill time between challenges. Do they braid each other’s hair? Practise their walk? Dig through Alex Perry’s trash and save some Kleenex he used, then do some sort of African Voodoo on it, to make him like them? 

WELL, it would seem that we’re all wrong.

This week’s episode opens in the most dramatic of fashions. 

Vitoria is hosing the garden.
Christy is doing her hair.
Belinda is making the bed.
Kassidy is running on the treadmill.

The producers have clearly worked hard to diminish the ‘1950s housewife’ stereotype from which women have long-attempted to break free. Gardening, bed making, hair drying – well done guys.

Vitoria is narrating her disappointment at the fact that Jessie was eliminated last episode.

Now, Vitoria is a beautiful name. However, when I hear it, I always giggle at the genuine HOPE that Vitoria has an uncle that has given this exact speech: “I have a niece named Vitoria, and I know how mad she gets when I call her Victoria. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named her Vitoria." 

Two Mean Girls references before the challenge has even started? I need help.

The girls begin the drive to their challenge and I don’t reckon I could count the amount of “Woo!”s I have heard. The amount of “Woo!”s ALMOST surpasses the amount of Mazdas that have bombarded our screen, but ANTM loves a good product placement so I was expecting that.

The girls arrive at a pool and Jen announces that this is EXTREME model week. OoOoOO I propose some sort of Survivor x ANTM crossover episode? Maybe the girls could go to Tribal Council and vote each other out? BRB just going to pitch this to Channel 10.

Nay, the girls will be modelling beautiful gowns on a runway. However, when the runway is complete, they will step off the end into a pool and pose for a camera underwater.  Their underwater antics will be projected onto a big screen for the judges and crowd to marvel (laugh) at.

Now, I know when I’m underwater, I’m about as graceful as The Elephant Man. I know that, I’m man enough to admit it. So I’m sending muchas luck to these girls.

As usual, Daisy has “got this in the bag.” Living near the beach means she is an expert at holding her breath, proven when she LITERALLY times herself holding her breath for the cameras.  

Jen announces that the winner of today’s challenge will win IMMUNITY. Which will come in pretty handy considering there will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION this week.

Dun, Dun.

As the girls get ready for the runway, it seems like they are playing a game of state the obvious:

“It’s double elimination”

“This is going to be hard”

“The runway is going to be very wobbly”

As the girls fight it out for the title of Captain Obvious, the classic Stenmark pep talk is in full swing. Remind me to set their voices as my ringtone. 

The challenge begins and Sabine and Kassidy are clear standouts. Sabine explains that her confidence came from envisioning that “she was on the Victoria’s Secret catwalk.” I am so obsessed with this girl, she is honestly so cute and grateful it makes my heart sing.

Aleyna is first in the pool, receiving a compliment from a STENMARK as she walks down the runway. Put that on your CV girl.

Underwater, I will say that Aleyna looks much more beautiful and graceful than I ever would. I feel like she is what Katy Perry is referring to when she sings about the plastic bag drifting through the wind. That is exactly what this reminds me of.

“Movement. Poses. Graceful. Beautiful” – Megan ‘I’m just going to say four random words and hope they make sense together’ Gale.

Next is Sabine. If Aleyna was a plastic band drifting through the wind, Sabine is a plastic bag that has been left in the pantry unused for weeks. She is literally not moving – stationary like Jesus on the cross. Not sure what’s going on here, but OK Sabine.

Daisy follows and has definitely overestimated her abilities. During the runway she looks nervous as all hell, darting her eyes like a cat with one of those red pointer lasers. Hopefully she can redeem herself in the water, she did grow up near the beach in case you weren’t aware.

She exits the water as quickly as she entered it, leaving everyone a little underwhelmed and disappointed.

Kassidy, Belinda and Christy receive no real rise from the judges. Bit of a yawn.

Vitoria comes strutting down that catwalk like she owns the damn place. When she plunges, she descends like a beautiful butterfly, attaching herself to the dress like a second skin. That was quite poetic of me, if I do say so myself.

Linnea is last and also impresses, making everyone question if she has gills because wow she was underwater for a long time. Alex is surprised; I am surprised. We have so much in common Alex, be my friend already.

Daisy then cements her position as the sorest loser on the planet, claiming “if I was last and had enough time to calm my nerves, I would have stayed under that long as well.”

The scoreboard is revealed and Linnea takes the title, landing immunity and eternal underwater glory.

Hopefully this level of drama continues into the photoshoot.

Megan Gale greets the girls in ALL her up-do glory. Seriously, I don’t know ANYONE who can pull off an up-do better than her. I also don’t know anyone who could pull off that orange colour, but she is werkin’ it and I commend her for it.

She reveals that in today’s photoshoot, Top Model will definitely be turning up the heat. Simultaneously, a pyrotechnic’s dream comes true as flames burst behind the girls. LIT. It’s kind of like that scene in the fish tank of Finding Nemo, where the ring of fire is introduced. Megan is obviously prettier than a fish but the dramatic emphasis is all the same.

She reveals the girls have the challenge to remain beautiful and calm even among the chaos. Why can’t we all be as poised and composed as you Megan? :’(

Linnea is up first, donning a gold dress with a Kylie Minogue-esque hood. You know, the one she wore in the video for ‘Can’t get you outta my head’? Well, it seems she has channelled the Kylie legacy because she has nailed it. She don’t need no immunity.

Among all the Photoshoot chaos, the pressure of getting a good score is really taking it’s toll on Daisy. She admits to feeling anxious and is experiencing a panic attack.

Mental illness is no joke. Especially in a competition full of adolescent girls that are judged purely on their ability to take a good photograph. No one will ever forget the devastating loss of incredible judge AND woman, Charlotte Dawson, to depression. If Daisy is having a moment, her moment should be respected and treated with the seriousness that it deserves. Sendin’ her love.

Kassidy, Christy, Sabine and Belinda continue in their shoots, floating around the middle somewhere.

Aleyna is next and as per, she basically steals the goddamn show. I smell another 10 come judging.

Vitoria is next and excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. Her face. Her body. Can I be you?

The judges, however, think she doesn’t have enough variation in her expressions, giving the same photo time and time again. C’mon Vitoria, pick it up!! WWMGD. WHAT WOULD MEGAN GALE DO????

WELL, what Megan would do, is applaud Daisy for picking herself back up and continuing into her photoshoot. And so she bloody well should, it’s an immense effort and you can see how close she was to throwing in the towel.

She is clearly very fragile, however she has pushed through to do the absolute best she could have done. What a fighter.

Double elimination time!!!

Linnea is first and has wowed the judges in her Kylie-Minogue-like-dress. Nines all round, plus one sneaky 10 from Jen.

Following from her low challenge score, Kassidy is less than thrilled to receive untoward comments from the judges. Alex calls it catalogue. SHADE SHADE SHADE. This puts her towards the bottom of the leaderboard.

Aleyna, Sabine and Belinda all coast through, receiving relatively favourable commentary. No sassy comments from Alex so I can just skip right through.

Daisy is up next and opens up about her struggles with mental illness in the past. She uncovers details about her crippling anxiety, which is really not an easy thing to do on national TV.

Her shot is the opposite of what she was expecting. The judges love it and are completely thrilled with her posing and mouth positioning (what?).

Next is Christy and the judges feel that she lacks conviction. It's between her and Kassidy to go home first. Kassidy is sweating, I can see it from here. 

Unfortunately Christy receives the lowest score and is the first to go home. It’s semi awks though because one of her model mates will be close behind her. So like, let’s hug goodbye but I’ll see one of you veeeerryy sooon.

Last to be scored is Vitoria. She’s so cool and confident; she’s defs won Miss Congeniality in my heart if nothing else. Alex draws a comparison between her and Alessandra Ambrosio, saying that he is waiting for her to deliver a photo that gives him a similar feeling. Firstly, I find that a kind of unfair comparison to draw and secondly, you’re wrong and Vitoria is amazing. I think this is the first time that Alex and I have disagreed? Our first fight!

She has to score higher than a 30 to stay in the competition, but unfortunately she falls short. I can feel my heart breaking from the inside. She is calling everyone darling, man she is so classy. Hopefully her and Christy split an Uber and down some Messina on the way home.

fox8.tv

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