Follow these steps and you’ll officially be a blogger, just like everyone else.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

So you want to be a blogger, hey? Looking for thousands of #organic instagram followers in less than a week? Want to be regrammed up the wazoo? Don’t worry, The Fashion Outsider is here to help. And we need to start with the cornerstone of Instagram feed fillers: The Flatlay.

There are strict guidelines, young blogger. 

Step One: Go to Bunnings Warehouse to procure free samples of flooring and marble, because none of these surfaces are in your actual house, and you have no money left after buying your last #ootd. Make sure they are white, beige, white marble or grey. I might also accept off-white, but only if you’re desperate.

Step Two: Collect enough free samples from events to fill up your square of flatlay goodness. You don’t *actually* want to buy any of that shit, especially when you ate 2 minute noodles last night for dinner. Plus, the PRs can count it as ‘coverage’ and they’ll love you for it. You might even get a regram. #bonus

Step Three: Choose one of the below approved flatlay options. And ONLY one of these. As far as I can tell, if you stray from the below options even slightly, you are immediately removed from instagram for violating its terms and conditions.

  • The make-up flatlay: The best bloggers take the lipstick they just bought for $40 and completely ruin it by smearing it over a white piece of paper in an artsy manner. Totes Picasso.
  • The shoes-on bed selfie: If you don’t have any white surfaces in your house, your white sheets will do. Tell yourself that all your #norm friends don’t 'get it' when they ask "SRSLY THO, WHY ARE YOU WEARING SHOES IN BED?". Add a coffee for extra bonus wtf/’I have to wash my sheets anyway now’ points.
  • The blog-promotion post: Using Apple products only, pull up your latest blog post and add a single flower stem for some unknown reason. Extra points if you can manage to get your phone in the photo – you know, the one that you’re meant to be taking the photo with. Add a coffee.
  • The ‘I totally read’ flatlay: Choose a book from your parents library (seriously, who owns books these days) that makes you look suitably intelligent. Caption with a humble brag about how you’re ‘such a geek’. Add a coffee.
  • The ‘choose any two random items’ pic: Polaroid camera and marshmallows. Glitter and a palm tree leaf. Toothpaste and a watermelon. It all works, really. Then, add a coffee.
  • The ‘I have nothing else to post, so here’s a magazine’ post: When you haven’t posted anything in days and you really can’t be bothered, just go and buy a magazine with as little colour on the cover as possible. Maybe you could also add a coffee?

Step Four: Ensure you remove any visible colour from your picture by using the desaturate filter. Extra points for going artsy in black and white. 

Sound easy? It is! Just follow these steps and you’ll officially be a blogger, just like everyone else. 

You don’t want to stand out, now… do you?

Follow Bianca’s confusing fashion journey over at @alphabetponymag

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