15/06/2015
Choosing friends on regram probability, fame association, and comparative attractiveness.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

Today I’d like to send out an important Insta-PSA: Your friends IRL are probably not Insta-worthy.

Look, they’re awesome, and they were there for you when your pretend boyfy Ryan Gosling went and had a baby with stupid Eva Mendes, blah blah. 

But your Instagram feed is your temple. A Valencia-tinged, highly flattering temple to YOU. And to your much, much cooler online persona. An online persona that doesn’t choose friends based on real-life friendship goals. More on regram probability, fame association, and comparative attractiveness.

Basically, your online persona is a dick. One that only cares about likes.

So who should you look to for guidance on this tricky topic? Why, patron saint of #squadgoals, Taylor Swift. Of course.

In this day and age, which I will officially call the post-Swiftocalypse, your Instagram account (and therefore your life) is all about your #squad. The friends featured on your Instagram account should be chosen carefully, mainly based on how much better they can make you look to your followers.

Even Taylor knows this. She carefully crafts her online persona according to which celebs can give her more street cred. Observe:

 

This instagram pic is a tale of caution. Firstly, if you’re Haim, you’re adding cred to Taylor – previously a popstar with only commercial appeal. By hanging out with Haim, Taylor appears more indie. Good choice Tay.

Lorde, however, is also indie – but Taylor noticed she showed up in mom jeans that day – and not the type that are totally cool right now. She was allowed in the picture, but only if she sat on the floor and propped up Taylor’s immaculately dressed foot. 

PS: Tay’s mules are SO FETCH.

You could learn a lot from Tay about squad goals. Say, for example, you show up to coffee with a friend. It’s 2pm and you haven’t posted an image yet - plus you want to prove you got out of your pyjamas this morning. For once.

Do you post a pic with your friend on your Insta? Will your friend lend you cred in the Haim way or the Lorde way? 

Or are they like Ed Sheeran - where you want to acknowledge you’re friends, but they’re totes ratchet, so you post a screenshot of your message instead:

 
Works just as well. Plus, you can brag about how hilarious you are over text.
 
Now, back to the coffee friend. There is a point system I’d like to put in play for those who want to achieve Taylor Swift-level squad goals:
  • If your friend’s instagram landing page is on fleek: +2 points
  • If your friend has a ridic amount of followers AND you can convince them to regram you: +5 points
  • If your friend is wearing one of the big five that you can therefore legitimately hashtag / flatlay (Chanel, Cartier, YSL, Hermes, LV): +5 points
  • If your friend is an A lister: +10 points
  • If your friend has any claim to fame from lists B-D: +5 points
  • If your friend shows up looking better than you: -2 points
  • If you just look really freaking great in the selfie: +1000 points
  • If your friend is wearing a slogan tshirt: -1000 points

< 5 points, no post : (

> 5 points, congrats! They are instaworthy!

Fashion bloggers are especially good at this. I mean, you could be literally their best friend and family member, but if you show up with a sub 450 follower count and a pair of cork wedges you’re totally outie. Soz.

Just remember, Instagram is not real life. It’s about making yourself look as unrealistically amazing as possible. And as we all know, if your friends are not spending most of their time making you look better through association, they’re not your real Insta-friends. 

You may want to keep them for real life though. Especially considering the whole Ryan Gosling divorce situation is probably a while off yet.

Follow Bianca’s confusing fashion journey @alphabetponymag 

Leave a comment

Related

For when you're just not ready to delete.
It seriously makes me question the term ‘influencer’.
Clean, modern, youthful designs.
The 'fashion trend' is dead. Instagram killed it.
Help because we are freaking out right now.
For those of you who share in this weird fascination.
Your favourite female mouse takes on fashion blogging.
Because it’s harder than it looks.
Follow these steps and you’ll officially be a blogger, just like everyone else.
LA does alright, if you do it right.
"I mean, why would you let Zhang leave? It’s like getting rid of Beyoncé from Destiny’s Child."
Giving Sassy Girl a run for her money.
Who said you have to be good at art to be an artist?
The game according to Zachary The Label creative director, Effie Kats.
Flat-laying is officially a sport.
Our favourite fashion friendships of all time.
Keep up to date with the best of #LFW with these Instagrammers.
Say hello to the non-model faces of Marc by Marc Jacobs 2015.
'Tis the season for a touch of daggy.
Taylor Swift tells ASOS Magazine the life lessons she’s learnt.