12/10/2015
Like, seriously #bbloggers.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed (read: ads for Junior Eurovision) when I happened across an article about a beauty product that has a waitlist of 500 people – and it’s not even out yet. 

Yes, I did it. I hate myself for it. But I took the clickbait. And the product was self-tanner.

Like, seriously #bbloggers. A waitlist of 500 FREAKING PEOPLE? For self tanner?? I can only come to the logical conclusion that you’ve all gone crazy and I’m the only sane person left on the planet.

The worst part is, as the article stated gleefully, that’s the waitlist for Australia. Only. There’s a waitlist of like 5 gazillion people in the UK or something. But maybe that’s because their internet works better.

Only our generation would put their names down on an infinite waitlist for a product that does something the sun already does for free. Then again, I buy $4 bottled water, so I guess I’m just a hypocrite.

It doesn’t even stop there. Beauty these days is not only pain, it’s also money, time you don’t have, guilt about not spending enough of that time and money, and butt sucking machines.

No. Really. I also read about this butt sucking machine that they’ve been using in South America so that their butts look more Kardashian-esque. I remember a day when we were all trying to reduce our butt, however I guess I just need to sit down more. IT’S IN THE NAME OF BEAUTY, DON’T JUDGE ME.

Then there was the Kylie Jenner lip sucker/plumper/thing that made you look like someone snuck shellfish into a hypo-allergenic Donatella Versace’s soup. Maybe we could combine them. I can see it now: The Kardashian Kouture Kovergirl Kockup. I mean, Ktreatment.

Sure, this perplexed and make-up free rant is coming from someone who, up until three months ago, used to believe that mascara was a great substitute for eyebrow pencil. And who also uses whatever foundation people give me for free, no matter what the colour. Which then confuses people I know into thinking I’ve been to Bali one week, and am trying out for a gender-bending version of Edward Scissorhands The Musical the next.

I don’t get all this beauty kerfuffle over plumping lips and training hips. I don’t get the fuss about tanners and toners and tinters.

I will tell you one thing I do know, however. If I hear about another Hollywood star getting their anus bleached I’m going to start wondering exactly how many people are viewing it on that regular a basis.

And so, ending on my trademark good taste, I say to those 500 people on the waiting list for a self-tanner: Good night, God speed, and good lord we have finally found the pinnacle of #firstworldproblems. 

You can follow Bianca’s exciting exploration of the full spectrum of the foundation rainbow over at @alphabetponymag

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