A handy guide.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

Things are getting a little out of hand with this whole flatlay situation.

I was at an event last week for the launch of a bar. And, being a bar, it had poor lighting and dark tables. Great for drinking! Bad for Instagram posts. I took a few photos and eventually abandoned the endeavour – but apparently that’s where I went wrong.

I clearly don’t have the gumption for this business.

Nek minnit, I turn around and a couple of bloggers have relocated the entire floral centrepiece, along with most of the place settings, sixteen tables, a small llama herd and the fourth aisle of Bunnings Warehouse outside to set up an impromptu flatlay that was much easier on the eye.

Now that’s dedication, my friends. Not to mention perplexing for any non-blogger within a 200m radius.

Look, I’m all for a great, well-lit, nicely proportioned shot. It’s just that I’m too lazy to hire three removalists and a lighting engineer to do it. I mean, half the time I post an outfit selfie with a claw hand or a stomach roll or a large tree between my teeth because I am legit too lazy to bother going another round in front of the camera.

So I thought I’d put together a handy guide, so that you know when your dedication to getting your insta shot has gone too far… Like when you choose a café for breakfast based on the compatibility of the table top colour for your feed. Incidentally, this is also the first point:

  1. Don’t base where you’re going to eat on your ability to post Instagrams. Here’s a novel idea: go somewhere because it has good food. And enjoy it. And maybe if it looks ugly, just Snapchat it because NO ONE JUDGES YOU ON THERE.
  2. If you have to move another person’s plate in order to get a photo of their food, don’t. You’re already totally annoying them by telling them they can’t eat until you take 435 photos first. Trust me, I’m helping you keep your norm friends so that you don’t die alone with your 14 bitchy cats.
  3. If you’re at an event, don’t move shit around to get the perfect flatlay. It’s soooooo unkewl and makes us bloggers look like massive antisocial knobs. Perhaps use the time at the event to ask people about their lives in order to form valuable and long lasting friendships with your fellow bloggers. Or something. I don’t know. Just a thought.
  4. STOP TAKING PHOTOS OF ALL OF YOUR SIMILAR LOOKING BORING BLACK HEELS IN A CIRCLE. Seriously, I’m going to neck myself next time I see one of those.
  5. Lastly, if you have to stand on your chair in a restaurant in order to take the #perfect shot of your breakfast from a height of 10m in the air, don’t. Unless you’re in your #activewear, in which case you might as well do something active for once seeing as your entire life up until this point has all been a sham. A SHAM I TELL YOU.

Are we all savvy on the rules, then? Great.

Now excuse me while I post my totally natural selfie that in no way took three removalists, a lighting engineer, a small llama herd and the fourth aisle of Bunnings Warehouse to set up.

Hey, I gotta do me, gurl.

Follow Bianca’s terribly lit Instagram journey over at @alphabetponymag

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