14/07/2017
Uggggggghhhhhhhhh.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

Readers, don’t believe everything you read (except this column of course). And if the latest thing you’ve read is that Gorpcore is a #thing, then you need to start sourcing your fashion news from more reputable outlets.

We’ve spoken before about stupid fashion trends that no one wears IRL (namely, fishnets under jeans and the front wedgie. And thus far, the blame has been squarely aimed at Instagram perpetrators. 

But this latest one – offensively coined Gorpcore by The Cut, and named for ‘Good Old Raisins and Peanuts’ (as in, trail mix) – has officially jumped the shark.

Sure, there have been some interesting developments taking the puffer jacket to new #inspo levels of late. Namely the Cut-mentioned A$AP Rocky/fash week moment, as well as Solange in a full-train puffer at the Met Gala.

But lately, magazines like Vogue and retailers like ASOS would have you think that wearing a Patagonia puffer to brunch is some brooding intellectual response to an existential anti-urban longing for doing outdoorsy things that… well, we could just DO if we really wanted to. In a Patagonia puffer, no less. 

Like, as in, not because #fashun.

Apparently, according to Susannah Tucker (senior editor at ASOS), you even require a hypothesis to truly understand the deep, deep intellectual significance of regular people wearing Patagonia puffers. A hypothesis that, apparently, has nothing to do with the fact that it’s, well, cold. 

Being winter and all.

“Gorpcore posits the hypothesis nothing’s more stylish than clothes that aren’t stylish at all,” Tucker tells us in this Vogue article.

“Remember these are clothes originally designed for activities that are inherently functional such as snow-shoeing to your neighbours in sub-zero temperatures to get a cup of sugar or chopping wood to make fire.”

Firstly, if I’m snowed into a cabin in the woods I sure as shit ain’t snow-shoeing in sub-zero temps just so I can pop some Equal into my pumpkin latte. 

Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT SUZIE, OF COURSE A PUFFER IS FUNCTIONAL THAT’S WHY PEOPLE WEAR IT, NOT BECAUSE IT’S A PASSING FAD THAT VOGUE WROTE ABOUT ONCE.

And on that note, write about it they did. Hoo-eee. Enjoy:

“Don’t be fooled, wearers of gorpcore are likely to be seen eating a blue algae health bowl rather than rigging a tent in the Blue Mountains — the crux of the look requires both the wearer and their audience to ‘get it’.”

Uggggggghhhhhhhhh. 

Let’s ignore the supreme conceit of mentioning a blue algae bowl as the world’s most pretentious metaphor for a sec. Apparently now, when you wear clothing, you have an ‘audience’ and they have to ‘get’ what you’re doing. 

Rather than, I don’t know… wearing clothing that you found in your wardrobe in order to perform the helpful function of keeping you warm. 

Anyway, onwards!

“‘Mountain chic’, ‘camping glam’ and ‘ugly pretty’ might be some of the words used to describe the look — a mix of Bernie Sanders' Balenciaga and your father’s hiking gear can also be a good reference point…”

BERNIE SANDERS’ BALENCIAGA. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA. 

It’s official. Vogue is the blurst. Again.

On a serious note though, channelling Bernie Sanders realness, decked out in Balenciaga, is probably life goals TBH.

Follow Bianca’s journey wearing clothes that no one ‘gets’ over at @_thesecondrow.

Illustration by Twylamae whose Instagram is better than yours.

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