07/11/2016
RIP humanity.

Words by

Alyce Cowell

So apparently it’s no longer enough to be wearing clean underwear if you get hit by a bus. You also have be wearing a new season Chanel twin set... just in case you die. 

Yep, people are planning the outfit they want to be buried in now. It’s officially a thing. At least, that is, according to Mirror UK. 

It recently published an article about the rise of coffin couture, while simultaneously managing to point out how vain and sad we are. 

Here are the important stats:

Apparently 85% of people have at least *thought* about what they’ll wear when they die, with 52% of women hoping to be buried in couture and 31% being chill as f*ck, choosing their favourite nightie. 

Ironically, 23% of people noted they’d like to go out in activewear – and with the added shock twist being that none of them live in South Yarra.

And, when it comes to our final lewk, money ain’t no thang but a chicken wang: almost half of those surveyed would spend between $500-$800, while a quarter would pay $1600 or more.

I mean, do you just have so many questions??!! Because I just have so many questions: 

Firstly, when do you buy the outfit? Do you buy it now – in case it happens unexpectedly – or do you wait until you find the perfect outfit? 

What if you never come across the perfect outfit? Are you stuck wearing your old jeans and tee combo on the big day?

If you buy it now, and live a long and healthy life, do you risk wearing a horribly outdated look and being totally embarrassed at your own funeral? Like, will I be buried in a choker and adidas Superstars in 50 years time?

Do we notify our best friend prior so she’s aware of our wishes and also doesn’t rock up in the same outfit, or do we start carrying a piece of paper in our pocket that reads “Bury me in my cherry red Louboutins”?

If we’re paying $1600+, can we wear it beforehand or do we have to wait until we’re dead?

Will it feature as the final #ootd on my ’gram? Because if I have to die, I at least want to go out with a bang.

OK sure, so this is yet another article from the Wacky News Stories From Around The Globe file (like the one about a woman leaving her dog in the car and he drove into a supermarket – highly recommend) but there is actually a serious underlying issue to this one (other than don’t leave your dog in the car). It is our life-controlling, credit card-crushing, highly embarrassing vanity. The crime is caring too much what people think, and we’re all guilty. 

Once upon a time, the only thing we had to worry about was bumping into an old friend while wearing our Ugg boots in public. Ohhh, I miss those days. 

Then social media turned up and we all started taking selfies every five minutes. We got our hair and makeup professionally done to have a baby at the hospital. We started dyeing our skin (more from the Wacky News Stories From Around The Globe file). And now we’re expected to look fly even when we’re six feet under. Like honestly, how am I supposed to keep up?

On the other hand, it did sort of get me thinking about what I would wear in my jewel-encrusted coffin… 

Would it be my favourite denim jacket, that’s covered in DIY patches? No, too casual. What about my wedding dress? Uh no, too dramatic. My favourite flannelette pyjamas? Hey, bitch gotta be comfortable. Or maybe I’ll wear my birthday suit… Give everyone a real fright at my open casket. Yeah, my birthday suit! I did say I want to go out with a bang, after all.

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