23/10/2017
Wake me up when everyone is done with fashion clickbait, ok?

Words by

BIANCA O’NEILL

As if we haven’t been inundated with enough wtf moments in 2017 (what, with a shouting Cheezel in a toupee becoming President of the United States, and Balenciaga pairing up for a completely non-ironic collab with Crocs), now we have to deal with this latest eye-bleed of a nightmare.

Yep, fashion has jumped the shark – and it wouldn’t be the first time this year.

In the perfect real-life re-enactment of Homer Simpson’s invention brainstorming (automatic… butt! Fluorescent… booger!) a Japanese choreographer-now-designer, Thibaut, has decided that the perfect pairing of two fashion items should be thong… jeans!

Made up of *literally* just the seams, attached to you via a waistband and ankle bands, and connected by that bit that gives you camel toe, these ‘jeans’ leave nothing, NOTHING to the imagination. I’m just so confused about how they’re meant to be worn. That being said, I’m sure Kim K will bust them out next week or so, during a totally casual brunch paired with a nude bodysuit and no bra, and we’ll all be like YASSSSS.

I get it, I get it – in the context of the collection, new designer Meiko Ban delivered a runway of deconstructed pieces that riffed off her background as a choreographer, channelling dancer/streetwear. I GET it. Intellectually sound as the pairing of ‘thong’ and ‘jeans’ was in concept, however, there has to be a point where you realise that the final product just doesn’t make any sense.

It’s the latest in a long line of stupidity this year. We started with Topshop’s plastic window jeans, moved onto Opening Ceremony’s detachable nappy-jeans and then took a bad-taste nosedive into Reformation’s full zipper-crotch jeans. It’s been such a wild ride for denim this year that SNL made a skit out of it.

It’s not even just denim that’s fast becoming the serial fashion offender of 2017. Enter: Balenciaga’s ‘new’ direction (via Demna Gvasalia) into being totally ‘hip’ and ‘down with the kidz’. We have been unwantingly gifted with bedazzled Crocs. A $2,000 Ikea bag. Shockingly shiny red leggings that have boots built into them. And, of course, most recently, a $700 ‘dad’ sneaker that would slip unconscionably into a Seinfeld set wardrobe.

I guess that’s what you get when you slide Vetements into a high fashion house. As smooth as a truck through the Montague Bridge underpass, you guys.

Considering all this fashion thought-vomit, you might think the next ridiculous step is completely see-through jeans. But don’t worry, Topshop already has your (exposed) back.

Wake me up when everyone is done with fashion clickbait, ok? Cool.

Follow Bianca’s fashion journey into the wonderful world of non-ironic dad sneakers over at @_thesecondrow, or listen to her podcast @thefashionpodcast.

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