11/10/2016
RIP hair and dreams.

Words by

Eliza Sholly

As I begin watching this episode, I realise this is the first time I’ve actually sat through the opening credits. I'm usually more of a fast forward type of gal.

However, I’m glad I held off this time as I must say, Megan Gale and Alex Perry have to be two of the most awkward dancers I have ever seen. It’s kind of like when you get invited to a family wedding and you dread the moment that an ’80s song comes on and you have to watch your parents dance. It happened to me when Come On Eileen was played at my cousin’s wedding. I still cite it as one of my most embarrassing moments to date.

Now that I’ve moved on from this traumatic viewing experience, I can get into the nitty gritty.

Episode Four opens with MORE handheld camera footage. Whichever producer had this idea needs to quit watching The Blair Witch Project because it’s making me slightly nauseous.

The girls arrive at Edwards & Co, one of the most Instagrammable salons in Australia. If you haven’t a seen a perfectly-framed pic of those colourful murals painted on white walls, you clearly don’t follow the right people.  

Jen proceeds to tell the girls that this week is… MAKEOVER WEEK. The girls scream, I scream, EVERYONE BLOODY SCREAMS BECAUSE THIS IS ALWAYS THE BEST WEEK OF TOP MODEL FULL STOP.

Dramatic Daisy reiterates that she is NOT happy and that she does NOT like changing her look. Funny how she is on a reality show where the industry revolves around constantly changing your clothes, pose, location, makeup and basically everything else? Did she accidentally sleepwalk into her audition? Has this whole thing been some sort of modelling mirage where she has only become lucid amidst the news that as a model, you MIGHT have to change your ‘look’ from time to time????? I really hope she throws a tantrum.

Hair ROYALTY Joey Scandizzo is announced as their helping hand for today. I am so jealous. One time I got my hair done at his salon on Toorak Road and a COMPLETE STRANGER that I had NEVER MET told me my hair looked “so nice and bouncy.” Mind you I was bending down to pat their dog at the time, but a compliment is a compliment.

Jen tells the girls that this week there will be no challenge and the photoshoot will be the only deciding factor in whether they stay or go home. This week is all about the girls embracing their new looks so if you don’t wanna go home this week, you’d better put your big girl pants on.

LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

The girls are told what change they will be undergoing, paired alongside some really cute pep talks by my crushes, the Stenmark boys. They’re starting to become the main reason I watch the show (aside from Alex Perry’s shade throwing, of course). Jordan gives Jordan a pep talk that predominantly consists of cringe-y expressions, but somehow that doesn’t matter because I just cannot look away from his eyes and jawline. He could read the Terms and Conditions and make them sound interesting.

Joey tells Kassidy that she is undergoing a dramatic change. The conversation goes something like this:

Joey: We’re going getting rid of most of the thickness on the bottom
Kassidy: Oh my god
Joey: It’s going to be a big chop
Kassidy: Oh my god
Joey: It’ll look different
Kassidy: Oh my god. Like a shave?
Joey: Close to
Kassidy: Oh my god

Good on her for smiling through the pain. Clearly she knows the rules: this is Joey’s world we’re just living in it.

Dramatic Daisy is back on screen, getting a looooot of air time for the fact that she hates short hair. I swear she has said the word ‘look’ so many times that it has lost its meaning. We get it, you don’t want to change your look.

Hearing her cry to Cheyenne about the issue is like nails on a chalkboard. She is literally crying over 5cm of hair, attempting to attract sympathy because it took her “two years to grow an inch.” Cheyenne looks about as sympathetic as a piece of paper and tells her that there are bigger things in the world to cry about. Duh. 

The makeovers are complete and in the interests of being succinct, I have geniusly crafted a scale by which they will all be judged. The criteria is as follows: their hair change; how drastic the change was; and the amount of drama that centred around the aforementioned change. Here goes:  

Belinda: Red hair
Amount of change: 6/10
Drama Score: 3/10

Jessie:  Fringe and haircut
Amount of Change: 4/10
Drama Score: 5/10

Jordan: Blonde to bronde
Amount of Change: 2/10
Drama Score: 1/10

Vitoria: I’m actually not sure…
Amount of change: 0/10
Drama Score: 0/10

Linnea: Haircut.. I think?
Amount of change: 0/10
Drama Score: 0/10

Aleyna: Ummmm??
Amount of change: 0/10
Drama Score: 0/10

Sabine: Darker and shorter
Amount of change: 3/10
Drama Score: 0/10

Christy: Lighter
Amount of Change: 2/10
Drama Score: 0/10

GIVE ME SOME MORE DRAMA

Daisy: 3cm shorter
Amount of change: 1/10
Drama Score: 16/10

Kassidy: Ruby rose style half shaved/half fringe
Amount of change: 9/10
Drama Score: 7/10 (in the appropriate ways though)

It seems that everyone is a little annoyed with dramatic Daisy, because when they wake up for the photoshoot the next day, her complaints are met with eyerolls.

The girls walk into the photoshoot which is set at a ’50s diner/drive in movies. I really hope they’re shooting a music video for Milkshake by Kelis, but somehow I get the feeling I’ll be disappointed.

They enter to glares from bikies, goths and hipsters. Cheyenne tells the girls that this eclectic group of people will be posing with them for the photoshoot. Unfortunately, I cannot envision a world where these bikies, one complete with a face tattoo, would go to a yard for some milkshakes.

They go into hair and makeup and wow, someone get these girls some water because they are going to dehydrate. So. Many. Tears. Genuinely feeling for the Stenmark twins right now because they must be running low on pep talk clichés to distribute.

Jessie is up first and is posing with the bikers. No milkshakes to be seen.

Second is Jordan with the punks. She is finding it quite hard to manoeuvre herself around the sun and shadows, with constant direction needed from the photographer.

Dramatic Daisy lives up to her name when her turn comes around, followed by Belinda, Vitoria and some others who are clearly safe.

It’s all eyes on Kassidy when she enters the photoshoot. She is owning this short hair and working that fringe. Honestly, she nailed it, as did Joey Scandizzo. Obviously.

I feel like the only person who can knock some sense into these girls is Alex Perry, so thank god it’s time for the panel. Because Megan can’t be here this week, Guest Judge is the general manager of Priscillas Model Management, Doll Wright. Although her name is Doll, she seems fierce AF and unwilling to take shit. Can her and Alex Perry please get married and replace Drake and Rihanna as my new favourite power couple, please?

First up is dramatic Daisy. She goes on and on about how it ruined her ‘look’ and how she sorely misses the 3 cm of hair she has lost. C’mon Alex, give it to her.

Wait, what is happening. Dark horse Doll has come from behind with the sassy remarks, blatantly telling Daisy she is “bored and uninspired by that spiel.” Oh my god that is everything I have been thinking and more. Alex is smirking, I am smirking. SO MUCH SHADE. Jen calls her photo an improvement. Yawn.

Jessie nailed it, along with Christie, Aleyna, Linnea and Sabine.

The judges are stumped with Jordan’s pic, they do not like it and neither does she. She scores a 19 and is on the bottom of the leaderboard. Really feeling for the Colgate ambassador right now.

Next is Kassidy, she has embraced her hair and loves what it is going to do for her career. I honestly think she has become a frontrunner and wouldn’t be surprised if she won the whole damn thing. Unsurprisingly, the judges agree with me because I am equal parts intelligent, beautiful and humble. They love the photo and give her the highest score so far.

With only Belinda left to be judged, it’s between her and Jordan.

The judges deliver and she just scrapes through, meaning that Jordan has been eliminated. I honestly feel horrible because it seems like she wanted it the most out of everyone. If this show was Australia’s most poised and polite human, she would have won.

fox8.tv

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