20/12/2015
We love coffee but we don't always like you.

Words by

Veronica Jenkinson

Baristas. We're the unsung heroes of the world.

Each morning we breathe life back into your veins delivering your necessary cup of pure holy goodness.

And each morning we do it with a smile, despite having risen at 5am and already having dealt with a slew of sleep-deprived, caffeine-craving, oft-rude people.

But please know the smiles aren't always real. Aside from our own lack of sleep and crankiness, there's a few reasons why we're not always super happy to see you. I think I can speak on behalf of all baristas here when I tell you there's a few things we want you to know. 

1. A weak skinny decaf anything isn’t really coffee

And don’t even think about adding sugar to that.

2. Please don't ask for latte art

We get that it's a thing, but if you want to look at pandas while you drink your coffee, please go to the zoo.

3. If you don't want sugar just say 'no'

If we ask you how many sugars you like, don't say ‘none.’ Over the squeals of the coffee machine it sounds like 'one' and we won’t be responsible for your poor choice of words.

4. You're probably drinking full cream milk

If it’s busy and the skinny milk runs out (or even if it’s just out of reach) you’ll probably get full cream. And you probably won't even notice the difference.

5. Please don’t ask for extra hot milk

I mean do you even like coffee??

6. And extra hot long blacks…

WTF.

7. We may not remember your name but we’ll always remember your coffee 

Good morning ¾ latte with 1 how are the kids?

8. But if we do require a name keep it simple, one to two syllables is great

If it's any longer, abbreviations, initials and made up names are a godsend.

9. Please get off the phone

We get that you can multi task, so can we, but we're going to keep not seeing you until you hang up that phone.

10. Huffing and stamping your feet won't make your coffee come any quicker

So please stop. Coffee is long days, weird smells, sore hands and annoying customers that we just served before you. Be patient, if you scratch our back we’ll scratch yours.

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