8 terrible truths about moving out of home

Anyone who says moving out is the best is, really, a big fat liar.

So you’ve decided to move out of home. Congratulations! What a life milestone.

Anyone who’s flown the coop will be quick to tell you that moving out is such a wonderful thing. Freedom! Independence! Midnight snacks! It’s all yours now, buddy.

Except it’s not. While moving out definitely has its pros, the fact is that anyone who says moving out is the best is, really, a big fat liar.

Let’s discuss.

1. The fridge needs to be cleaned out. Often

Before I shifted out, I never realised the frequency with which my parents clean out the fridge. Turns out, it’s a lot.
This was a confronting realisation, filled with mould and wilted dreams. Not only were my hopes of a produce-filled, new-house-new-me lifestyle quickly ruined, so too was the yoghurt. And the spinach. And the strawberries. And the milk.

Which is funny because I also realised…

2. No one drinks the milk

Unless you have one of those fancy Nespresso frothers, the milk in your fridge will not be consumed. Instead, you’ll pour a tiny bit into your English Breakfast tea each morning, then wonder why the carton is half full of hard, crusty milk, two weeks later.

Yet, you’ll still continue to buy milk. Black tea is gross.

3. You don’t make friends with neighbours

Contrary to what my parents had me think, simply moving within the approximate vicinity of a person does not a friendship make.

It’s the exact opposite, in fact. Turns out my neighbours actually avoid seeing each other in the corridor, meaning I’ve had to hustle hard to earn the right to borrow sugar.

To make your way into your neighbours’ cold, dead hearts, I suggest baking brownies. Not only are brownies delicious, but it’s the perfect excuse take the first step in your neighbourly relationship and ask to borrow sugar/eggs/brownie mix.

Also, a person’s response to brownies can help you determine how liberal a neighbour they will be. You can weed out the wholesome from the not-so, if you know what I mean.

4. Tampons are spenno

I understand this point is probably only relatable to a very sheltered cohort of individuals, but I had never realised how much tampons really cost. It’s a lot!!!! The $$$$ we spend bleeding each month could be better spent on so many other things. Here, I made you a short list:

– These engraved pencils for stressed Seinfeld fans
– This patch that really understands
– This Salt Bae sticker
– This amazingly punny card for your housemate’s next bday
– Three metres of fairy lights to make your new abode look magical
– Literally anything at Daiso
– Doughnut Time

5. Complaints now require supporting evidence

It’s a sad and harsh reality, but an extended ‘Muuum’ just isn’t going to cut it anymore. No siree. Instead you’ll find your internet provider requires screen shots of speed tests, your mobile provider needs records of at least one prior complaint, and the bottle shop won’t refund your expired wine if you’ve already drunk the bottle.

6. You never really understood the true meaning of disposable income

I mean, of course you understood the meaning of disposable income, but did you ever really understand it? Welp, you soon will. After you start to subtract rent, bills, memberships, insurance and the inevitable parking fine from your pay, you’ll quickly learn that you’re actually getting paid doughnuts.

Which sounds delicious, now that I think about it.

7. Printers do not simply exist in households

The most awful, terrible part of this awful, terrible realisation is that it usually comes when you urgently need a printer. Like, now. Twenty minutes before a job interview. Half an hour before an exam. This is a pivotal moment, my friends, and one in which you must stay calm.

You can find a printer at your local library, university, parents’ house or Officeworks. Alternatively, if you’ve successfully befriended a neighbour with the aforementioned brownies, now’s the time to request some sugar.

8. You have to pay for literally every morsel of food/drink that enters your mouth

You roll your eyes at me now, but just you wait. The reality of this realisation is like a hard slap in the face. Repeatedly. By Beyoncé.

When you really stop and think about it, every bite you take is money. You are literally eating your money. Vegemite toast? Your money. Muesli bar? Your money. Cup of tea? Your money.

And as your money rots and curdles in the fridge, you’ll wonder why no one ever told you just how terrible moving out can be. Except I did. So you’re welcome.