28/07/2016
Fashémon Go!

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

Hi there. Thanks for joining me. By clicking on this headline, you are in the obscure and tiny subset of people who exist to discover new and exciting white walls down back alleys that aren’t in direct sunlight, while also ensuring said wall is at least a couple of KMs away, so that you can hatch as many of your Pokémon Go eggs as possible. 

(Everyone else, stop judging me. It’s called #multitasking. Ok, it’s also called #unemployment.)

I thought it was high time someone created a fashionable guide to Pokémon Go, so that we can all ensure we are playing as fashionably as possible. Here’s a set of rules, with suggested point scores, so that you can track your relative success in living an #authentic and #blessed fashion/gaming slashie lifestyle:

  • Snapping an #ootd? Accessorise with an in-app snap of Gastly, the monochrome Pokémon (+53 points)
     
  • Watching another blogger snap their #ootd? Try and position Grimer next to them so that it looks like he’s trying to grab at their Gucci Dionysus GG Supreme (+140 points)
     
  • While attending a fash event, attempt to place a Koffing over the face of whoever is giving one of those hour-long boring speeches, during which you can’t access the bar (+88 points)
     
  • If you’re unsure about your outfit, and a rare Pokémon runs away after only one Pokéball throw, it’s probably because they hated the combo of mum jeans with fur lined mules. #devo (-12 points)
     
  • If the same thing happens with a 20CP Doduo, things are looking dire. Change immediately. You’re probably wearing a pleather monokini? (-112 points)
     
  • Attending a Pokémon Go dress up party / fetish orgy? Clearly you should dress up as Jigglypuff. That girl knows how to backcomb (+34 points)
     
  • While on Tinder/Grindr, discover your fashion compatibility with your potential partner by asking them which Pokémon they would use to describe themselves. If they say Growlithe, move ahead with an IRL meeting (+38 points) 
     
  • If they say Squirtle, delete your profile immediately and change your name via official government mandate (-1000 points)
     
  • If they say Ekans, you’re probably talking to Taylor Swift. #zing (-1001 points)

I now unleash you on the world, Fashémon! I have the utmost faith that we can all achieve an invigorated commitment to ignoring our significant others for even more hours a day, as we attempt to juggle our curated Pokémon Go collection and bespoke flatlay feed. 

DM me with your Fashémon screenshots pls. My husband is trying to talk to me. Like, with spoken words. #OMGso2009

Illustration by Twylamae who prefers drawing Seinfeld while playing Pokémon Go.

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