I'm writing to you, my dear readers, as I arrive back in freezing cold Melbourne from my recent holiday. You'd think I'd be rocking a post-holiday glow from seat 56Z, but a cloud of disappointment has descended upon my vodka-spiked coconut comedown.
It's because I was in a bikini in a LOT of my holiday photos. And according to my latest iPhone pics, I'm not a model. I know, it was shocking to me too.
No one told me this. Only my trusty old friend the iPhone had enough guts to divulge the real truth... but I think I'm finally ok with it. And I want you to be to.
I don't have any really great excuses for my latest layer of flab, sorry to disappoint. Nope, I haven't had kids – and I really can’t blame the ‘lighting’ or ‘angle’. I just eat more fried chicken these days. Mmm, chicken.
But back to my holiday... And the resulting bikini pics. I mean srsly - I'm on an island, I'm in a bikini - my pics are going to have bikinis in them, deal with it. Only I found myself not *dealing with it*.
A complete lack of six-pack action was all up in my Insta-grill. No matter how many filters I applied. All I could see was my non-model norm body and everyone knows #normcore is totally over.
I mean, if I was a guy, I’d be getting serious love from the hashtag #dadbod. Where are MY double taps for being totes norm? Ladies, it’s our time now. It’s time for the #mombod. Like, when you’re caught posting too many bikini selfies and you’re 100% ok with it.
I love models. They're so gorgeous and perfect and stylish. But I’ve stopped following them on Instagram – and it’s a revelation. Seeing an onslaught of swimwear shoots in exotic locations from various Victoria's Secret models mixed up in your feed - mostly containing #foodporn and pics of your *real* friends - is enough to drive anyone nuts.
Or toward nuts. On top of your hotcakes.
Is it not enough to have that daily reminder of exactly everything you're lacking in your magazines? And on billboards and television and blogs and... everywhere else?
I finally realised something: I'm not a model. I'll never be a model. My bikini pics just aren't going to look like all those Sports Illustrated covers. Even pre-photoshop.
So here's to unfollowing supermodels on Instagram and accepting your #mombod in all its normal glory. And hopefully finding that elusive "instant six pack" filter.
I'd pay good money for that...
Follow Bianca's confusing fashion journey (and normal bikini photos) over at @alphabetponymag
Images via Instagram.