04/05/2016
Every group has one.

Words by

Tara Smith

We all have that one friend who’s a tightass. 

Every group has one. The one who makes your blood boil when yet again, you’re left to pay for dinner/a round/a taxi ride home.

“I’ll pay you back,” they claim, as if you haven’t heard it 1000 times before.

It doesn’t matter what it is, at the first sight of payment they’ve phantomed. 

If you’re sitting there thinking, “my group doesn’t have one of these,” you’re wrong. And there’s a good chance that tightass is you.

To figure out if you really are the George Costanza of your group, we’ve compiled a list of the indisputable traits of the tightass.

You have all your friends’ banking details…yet none of them have yours.

Because you’ve never offered to pay for anything, ever. Instead, you’re the one expecting your friend to cover the split bill, while you’ll pay them back. Well real-life George, paying them back isn’t the point. It’s still a huge inconvenience waiting to be paid back.

You’ve uttered the phrase “I’ll buy you a drink when we get there.”

This is easily the biggest lie known to the human race. Your pal has shouted you a cab ride and you’ve promised a bev at the destination in return. Except no-one really remembers that drink, yourself included. Genius strategy.

You were the last person in your group to download Uber.

Why is this such a big deal, you ask? Because if you don’t have Uber, you can’t pay for the fares. How unfortunate. You conveniently ‘forgot’ to download it, all the while skipping the fare and promising all your mates you’ll shout the aforementioned “drink when we get there.”

You’ve been asked more than once to pay someone back.

You promise to keep getting around to it but do you? You need to be asked time and time again otherwise it just won’t happen. You know it, your friends know it.

You go out for dinner and order water as your drink.

“Still or sparkling?” The waitress will ask. “TAP PLEASE,” you order blindly, not realising that yes, still is just tap water. You don’t need to pay for it. You’ll claim you enjoy it and don’t feel like a wine or soft drink but we know the real reason. Nobody just orders water at dinner and enjoys it, aren’t you aware you get that at home on tap?

You’ll put in a $20 note at a group dinner and ask for your $2.80 change.

God forbid you leave a tip, that money is rightfully yours and you’ve calculated your meal to the decimal point. “I’m owed $2.80,” you’ll defiantly tell the group, because hey, every penny counts.

Refusing to shout your friend anything, even though they always shout you.

“Would anyone like a coffee?” You politely say, hoping the answer’s no. One friend pipes up and you’re almost trapped into shouting them one. You get out of it by patiently waiting for them to hand you change before you leave. 

Swindling your way into free food by eating your friend’s leftovers.

Fries, dessert, any sides will do. You know not to order any of your own accord because your friends won’t finish theirs. The leftover food is yours for the taking. And it’s for free.

By this point you’ve either got someone in mind or you’re sweating at the thought of being the George of your group.

If you know it, your group certainly knows it, so next time you head out for a drink, do yourself a favour and download Uber.

This time, the fare’s on you.

Illustration by Twylamae who also makes Jerry Seinfeld tees.

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