05/03/2017
In case you're into that.

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

Annnnnnd we’re back with another very serious review of the hideous outfits contained within the new Real Housewives of Sydney franchise. 

It’s Episode 2, which means we are mostly here to solve the puzzling mysteries left to us by the Episode 1 cliffhanger. Namely: 

  1. if Athena X fished her couture fishing net out of the ocean, 
  2. if it did, in fact, choke a dolphin, and 
  3. if Victoria was definitely almost certainly a fatty when she was young. 

We end the intro to Episode 2 on Matty’s lips saying “oh mew gah did yo threw it inde ocea??” (unable to discernibly speak through her giant lips, ICYMI) before moving on to Athena X and Melissa.

Athena spends most of her time with Melissa ignoring some surprisingly sound advice (for a RH series). She then compares having a net thrown into the ocean to when 30,000 Chinese troops forcibly invaded the Tibetan plateau, stealing away their independence and embarking upon a long period of occupation. Omg yes, it was EXACTLY like that.

Victoria starts talking about how she wants to find her biological father with a private investigator and Krissy spends most of the time attempting to cry through her botox, but mainly looking like a muppet had the bottom half of its face compacted. She says "he may be dead" and "what if he’s dead" and generally the word "dead" way too many times to be deemed sensitive. 

Victoria rings Melissa to invite her to a ‘white party’ (ugh, what is it with rich, white women and white parties?). Athena X accepts her apology and invite, saying "if I don’t have oranges, how can I give you orange juice?" I mean, she’s 2/2 on the wisdom in this episode.

Athena immediately states that *THIS TIME* she’s going to wear a killer outfit that will slay them to death, and moves toward a white vintage wedding dress that would look right at home on a 1870s bride who died on her wedding day and is being displayed at an open casket funeral. Melissa expertly trolls her, saying she’d pay her $1,000 to wear it to the party.

Nicole rings Lisa for a download on the disastrous party from last episode, and Lisa says she hopes Krissy doesn’t think she’s "too much of a mole" after calling her Chewbacca, twice. So just a little bit of a mole then?

Anyway, Nicole is baking with her daughters, wearing a ‘yummy mummy’ apron (sigh) and attempting to use the 100% genuine interaction to shoehorn mentions about all her charity work into the storyline.

She aggressively wanks on about how ‘lucky they are’ to her daughters, who have definitely tuned out by now. Perhaps their next family outing will be a horrific preview into the lives of ordinary people shopping at the local IGA for name brand tuna, instead of Thomas Dux for line-caught yellow tail.

One of her daughters clearly knows how to pull rank (literally) on all this bullshit, by announcing loudly to camera that someone farted. Nicole is mortified, so her daughter repeats it several more times. She’s going to be an excellent human when she grows up.

The editors expertly cut to Lisa poolside with her boys, one of whom announces that he weed on himself. Lisa, conversely, doesn’t miss a beat, saying "well, that’s pretty dumb." The kid starts crying and Lisa tells her four-year-old to "stop standing there like a dickhead."

It’s the day of Victoria’s white party, and (shock! horror!), they cross the bridge to the other side of the city. They’re lunching at the Spit, where the producers make them walk up and down the yacht walkways even though it’s nowhere near the restaurant. Bc yachts = rich, just in case you missed it?

Athena arrives in the funeral dress, so I guess Melissa owes her a grand. Athena opens with giving Krissy and Victoria a literal olive branch, and telling them that a fisherman (LEGIT) caught her cape for her. Ahahahahaha!

She then compares herself to Malcolm X – you know, the African-American Muslim minister and human rights activist. You know, one of the greatest human rights activists and most influential African Americans in history. Well, I guess they’re pretty similar… they’re both, um, human? I think she’s human? Yes, she is. I’m sure of it.

Krissy asks who Malcolm X is and Nicole says "isn’t he a murderer?" 

I don’t know, maybe Athena’s appearance in the RHOS is actually an elaborate performance art project, aiming to generate knowledge and understanding about culturally significant historical moments, whilst at once showing up the superficiality of our privileged, Western lives. Or maybe all the Housewives are morons.

Athena spits out another mantra: "You know, there are shallow puddles on this earth and there are deep oceans." OH SHIT, DID SHE JUST CALL KRISSY AND NICOLE A PUDDLE???? It’s def onnnnn.

Lisa shows up in black and says what we’re all thinking: “you know, when privileged white people get together and dress in white, it’s like a meeting of the KKK.” Lucky she missed the Malcolm X = murderer comments then.

Krissy goes straight in, accusing Lisa of writing an insensitive Tweet about Amy Winehouse. Lisa, correctly, says the bitch should settle down and let her have a champs first. Oh god, I soooo hate/love Lisa.

Krissy tries to go in again, incorrectly calculating that she’s up to the battle of wits, and Lisa simply makes Chewbacca moans at her. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(breath)

AHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Oh god.

In her aside, she says that Krissy has the IQ of room temperature. I mean, it’s not as good as Captain Eyebrows, but it’ll do.

Matty cracks it at everyone, and Athena calls her Miss Fake. Matty’s lips respond with "ahoo a youw cawing fahke?" 

There’s a couple of minutes of incomprehensible screeching, Matty leaves in a huff, and Lisa starts stabbing herself in the eye with a fork. That must mean this week’s episode has come to a close. Until next week, bitches!

Follow Bianca’s journey to become a Real Housewife of Brunswick over at @_thesecondrow

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