16/10/2017
And how to avoid most of them.

Words by

Alyce Cowell

Spring is here, and I personally could not be more excited for a number of reasons. Firstly, ice cubes have been reintroduced to my lattes. Secondly, the number of days I have bare legs now outweighs the number of days I wear jeans. Thirdly, and most importantly I feel, I am one step closer to having drinks spilt all over me, and a stranger’s sweaty body up against mine. Get ready, guys: festival season is here.

If you’ve ever been to any music festival in the history of the world, it’s likely you’ve run into one of these people, filmed one for YouTube, stood behind one, or kissed one. Maybe, like me, you’ve been some of these people. Hopefully not this first one.

People that have sex with trees

Just imagine for one moment you're the girl who was filmed – pants down – making out with a tree. Or you’re the guy at who was so wasted he COULD NOT get his thong back on his foot. Or, you’re *YouTube’s Best Dancer from Lollapalooza 2009*. 

Wouldn’t you just move to a tiny country you can’t pronounce and never return?

People that climb shit

There’s always at least one, and most of the time, they really aren’t in any state to be standing upright, let alone climbing a 50m-high tent structure, or dancing on top of a lamp post. 

Please just get down before you fall on top of me and break my neck. 

People that look like Kylie Jenner

Now, these are the people that make me feel old

Usually found in packs, each of them has the QuayxKylie sunglasses on, the Kylie Lip Kit on, the Kylie Jenner merch on. They do not have a hair out of place, and somehow their lipstick stays within the confines of their lips.

People that don’t see any of the bands 

In fact, they’ll do anything but. Roll around on the grass, eat hot chips, go on a ride, Snapchat everything, take a hundred photos of your #squad, roll around on the grass again, Snapchat some more. Wait…… wasn’t there something else on today???????

People that roll around in the mud

No matter how wasted I am, this is always a bad idea. 

People who are the tallest people ever 

Where do these people hide outside of festival season??? Because I’m sure I don’t see any of them until they’re completely blocking my view while I’m watching my favourite band. 

Maybe one of my enemies planted them there. 

People that insist on walking in a chain 

STOP THAT. LET GO OF EACH OTHER, I’M LOSING MY FRIENDS. GREAT, THERE THEY GO, I’LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. THANKS A LOT. STILL GOING. OH MY GOD, HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE??????

People that wear fancy dress

That one guy dressed as a banana, those girls dressed in multi-colour tutus, those boys dressed as the Power Rangers, those 5,000 people dressed in animal onesies that have a mixture of dirt, vomit and Smirnoff Black on them. 

I get the feeling they think they are the first people to ever dress up for a music festival.

People that become your best friends in the bathroom 

Shoutouts to all the girls I have met in Dagwood Dog lines, vodka slushie lines, bathroom lines. I miss you all. 

People that peaked way too early

WOW, ok we know this guy. This guy is dancing to the beat of his own drum. Except in this case, the dancing is more flailing helicopter arms, and the drum is deep, deep house music.

The next level up of this is the guy face down on the grass at 4pm while people step directly over him, or use him as a meeting point in case they lose their friends.

People that really, really, really don’t want to go home

The opposite of the person that’s peaked too early is the person that will do anything but go home. 

The festival is quite clearly over, most people are wandering the streets trying to find the only cab in the entire country, and there is that one guy… dancing on his own… in the middle of nowhere. 

Respect.

 

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