ANTM Recap: The one with all the lycra

And lube?

Episode three opens with a lot of hand-held camera footage and the girls talking about how nervous they are. Also, they still can’t believe they are here!!!!! I reckon one of the producers is coming off the back of watching The Blair Witch Project, because this hand-held footage is making me very uneasy. 

Back to normal camera angles, the girls show up at Swarovski. Now this is a brand name I avoid saying out loud at all costs. I just cannot fathom the pronunciation. Is it phonetic? Or should I do the thing where it sounds like I have something stuck in my throat? It seems none of the girls share my dilemma, because majority of them have nailed it on the first go. Special shoutouts to Vitoria who puts an ever so beautiful accent on the word. I’ll be eternally jealous of you. 

We are then greeted by king Alex Perry in all his glory. I can’t wait to hear all the bitchy things he is plotting. Note: he is still wearing sunglasses on his head for optimum shade throwing.

The Swarovski (thank god this is a typed article) challenge will see the girls compete in a runway for Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Australia. 

It’s a pity the brand isn’t called ‘OH MY GOD’ because the amount of times that phrase has been uttered is enough to have it ringing in the heads of viewers for all eternity. It seems the girls have been doing a lot of ‘oh my god-ing’ and not enough preparing, because Alex is pissed AF. I feel a storm brewing. I really, really hope he throws his sunglasses. 

Much to my dismay, the sunglasses stay put. However, his somber tone is kind of comparable to your mum saying: ‘I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,’ which is always so much worse. Get your head in the game girls. 

The spokeswoman says Swarovski is looking for the girl that ‘sparkles.’ SOMEONE TELL MAKEUP TO VAMP UP THAT HIGHLIGHTER COS I WANT IT SO SHINY THAT IT BLINDS SOMEONE ASAP. 

It seems like Summer is feeling it the most. Fresh off a fortnight in the bottom two, she can’t help but tell everyone how nervous she is. She tells fellow models how nervous she is. She tells the camera how nervous she is. She tells one of the pretty Stenmark boys how nervous she is and I get the impression he just wants to give her a good ol’ smack across the head. In a purely mentor way of course. 

OK, I have just learnt the pretty Stenmark boy is Zac and he is officially my favourite human alive. He is giving her the cutest lil’ pep talk and I can’t wait to stalk him on Insta after this. 

Actually, there’s no time like the present:

Pleasant surprise number 1: They have a joint Instagram account (@jordanandzac for those playing at home).
Pleasant surprise number 2: They upload lots of topless pics.
Pleasant surprise number 3: Their jawlines are sharper than most kitchen knives. But we already knew that.
Pleasant surprise number 4: They seem really cute; and nice; and relatable; and good at giving pep talks; and ugh.

What were we talking about again? Oh, the Swarovski runway. RIGHT. Got a little distracted there.

I consider myself a bit of a celebrity aficionado (polite word for stalker) but when Jordan says that in attendance are “the biggest socialites in town” – and it flashes to a few people in front of the media wall – I literally have no idea who I’m looking at. Just show Zac Stenmark giving another pep talk, PLEASE!!!!!!

As the runway challenge begins, it seems that Vitoria’s excellent pronunciation of Swarovski isn’t the only thing she’s nailed today. The judges are v impressed with her, as well as Kassidy. However, others are being called stiff and robotic – the ultimate modelling insult. 

Vitoria wins the challenge and is equal parts humble as she is beautiful. What an excellent combination. Please just say more things in your beautiful accent. 

Up next we have The Photoshoot, where king Alex Perry introduces photographer, Jez Smith. ANTM fans like myself will know Jez as a judge from previous cycles of the show. And as the guy who kind of looks like a nicer/warmer version of Alex Perry. 

And speaking of previous ANTM faces, Alex also announced there will be ‘professional models’ arriving, to show the girls how it’s done. Fight music ensues and we are greeted by three of the most successful previous contestants, Cassi Van Den Dungen, Amanda Ware and Simone Holtznagel. 

These girls have modelled for the likes of Mui Mui, Guess, Calvin Klein and Tom Ford. I mean, I guess their CVs are pretty impressive, if you’re into that whole fashion week-couture-designer thing (which I most certainly am!!!!!!)

I don’t think you’ll find a bigger Cassi Van Den Dungen fan than me. Not only was she sassy AF to the judges on her series, she is also the girl that spat the dummy after only receiving 14 likes on her Instagram post. Amazing headlines read: “Australian model Cassi Van Den Dungen lashes out at her Instagram followers for not liking her post,” and “Cassi from ANTM calls out ungrateful fuckers for not liking her Insta.” SHE IS ME. I HAVE NEVER RELATED TO A CELEBRITY MORE. 

The Photoshoot will see the girls working in groups, so in the interests of convenience, here we go: 

Team 1: Alena, Kassidy, Christie
Team 2: Jordan, Daisy, Belinda
Team 3: Vitoria, Sabine, Linea
Team 4: Jessie and Summer

The chosen outfits for the shoot are all made of lycra and the girls have to be lubed-up to get into them. This lubed-up latex fest is the greatest thing I have ever seen. 

First up is Team 1 (duh). In simple terms, they’ve nailed it. Jez is impressed and so are the judges. While I’m happy for them, I came for tears and tantrums. Team 2, show me what you’ve got.

WAIT A GOD DAMN MINUTE.

Team 1 has barely left the photoshoot and Kassidy is having some sort of lycra-induced anxiety episode. After a few minutes of mild panic, the latex bra has come off and all is right in the world again.

Team 2 is next featuring aloooot of yellow lycra. It’s already very awkward and all I see is fumbling. It’s kind of like an uncomfortable modelling car crash and I can’t look away.  

Team 3 consists of Vitoria, Sabine and Linea, all lubed and latexed to perfection. They are clearly excelling because the judges can’t get enough. The words ‘incredible’ and ‘killing it’ are being thrown around – probably not by Alex, let’s be honest. 

Team 4 has one less member than the others. Whether this is a good thing is yet to be decided. Summer is STILL nervous, however she doesn’t have pretty Zac Stenmark here to calm her down. If only all stressful situations in life could be solved by a pep talk from Zac Stenmark, I get the feeling the world would be a better place. 

Panel time.

Team 4 is first to be judged and when I see their photo I think of a great analogy. It’s kind of like watching gymnasts in the Olympics. I’m in awe, thinking WOW. OMG. AMAZING. THAT LANDING. THAT POSE. THEY’VE NAILED IT. C’MON JUDGES, GIVE THEM A 10. And then, they’re greeted with a harsh ‘they can do better’ and ‘that was horrible’ from the judges. Then I think: ‘OK cool, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.’ 

I thought Jessie and Summer’s shoot was amazing, Olympic gymnast-worthy even. Unfortunately, I don’t think the judges agreed with me. They think Summer looks short and the pose is a bit basic. Clearly, I know nothing.

The next two teams roll through without much of a hitch. Everyone is quite impressed with Sabine’s likeness to Bella Hadid, as well as Kassidy full stop.

The last to be judged is Team 2. While the judges thought Belinda nailed it, they had a few qualms with Daisy. Not only was her photo a liiiiittle off the mark, she has also thrown shade at some of the older girls in the competition. She said that because she is 19 her ‘modelling clock is ticking.’ Sorry, what hunn? You have girls behind you who are 25 and basically owning the competition. Challenge winner Vitoria is 25 and your JUDGE, Meagan bloody Gale, is 41!!!!!!! Leave the shade-throwing to Alex Perry please. 

Summer and Daisy are in the bottom two and somewhere Mother Nature is crying because her favourite names are in the firing line. 

However, it’s third time unlucky for Summer who has been eliminated. Clearly she DOESN’T live in a different world, nor does she see in different colours. BRING BACK THAT SONG!!!