The Fashion Outsider: So apparently skinny jeans can kill you now


Sometimes I stay up all night convincing myself I have various random and life-threatening diseases.

Sore throat? The plague. Sat too long in front of the heater and gave myself a fake fever? Dyptheria.

So imagine what this news about an Adelaide woman being sent to the ER last week due to her skinny jeans did to me. 

So apparently now my jeans can kill me. Great. 

I mean, I’ve heard of skinny jeans killing your style game  – you know, when your muffin top is so epic that it creates a peplum of its own? At least peplum was on trend last year. But now it’s out again, so wtf are we meant to do with all this excess skin? 

Anyway, this poor woman wore skinny jeans when she was helping a friend move house, because she wanted to look GOOD. Hey, chill on the judgement, we’ve all been there. 

The constant squatting allowed her pants to cut off the circulation to her calves so dramatically, that they had to cut the jeans off her ballooning legs. Just picture that for a moment: doctors frantically cutting off your #ootd because you chose wrong, girl. How embarrassment.

If there was ever a better reason to embrace this whole wide leg / flare trend that’s happening right now, imminent death ought to do it. 

At the very least, this event should be a revelation for this great nanny state of ours. Maybe it will change the face of shopping as we know it.

Perhaps they should start with plain packaging. Like cigarettes. 

Picture it. Next time you pop into Ksubi, you will have to go to the front desk and ask for the ‘spray ons’ in a sz 8, as the attendant looks you up and down and judges you for your terrible life choice. She probably hands you a sz10 instead. Well, at least she doesn’t want you to die, you think.

That night, you wear your new purchase out to a bar with friends, but they’ll only let you stand outside, with the other skinny jean-ers. You all huddle together and exchange stories about losing circulation to your feet.

Maybe next time you ring up to get a quote for health insurance, the woman asks you your age, your marital status, and your denim preference.

It’s time to give it up ladies – because, let’s be honest, no one looks like Gisele in skinny jeans. They look like Khloe Kardashian’s oft-eye burning camel toe.

Hold my hand – we can do it together. I’m Bianca. And I’m a skinny-jean-a-holic. I really want to stop. I do. 

I’m too young to die by denim…

Follow Bianca’s confusing fashion journey at @alphabetponymag

Lazy Loading