Why does it feel like everyone’s going through a breakup right now?
WORDS BY LAURA ROSCIOLI
“The way we view romance at the moment is a little cynical. It’s a lot of expecting the worst from people.”
Every time I go to a social event with people I haven’t seen in a few weeks, someone has broken up. It’s like clockwork. I say “How are you?” and they say “Not great to be honest, my boyfriend/girlfriend just broke up with me” or “I just broke up with the person I was dating”. Then, we either talk about how rubbish they’re feeling, or quite the opposite; how it was for the best. But regardless of the circumstance, it feels like breakups are trending.
And I have a theory. This entire year, I’ve been noticing a shift in the way young people talk about dating and relationships online. There’s much less putting people on pedestals and more prioritising themselves over a relationship.
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I ran into my friend, Ruby, at an event the other day. We hugged and said hello, and she immediately apologised for not coming to another event I’d organised the week prior. “Sorry,” she said, “my boyfriend and I actually broke up.” This was unexpected news, as they were six months into a relationship I’d only heard very positive things about.
I didn’t know any of the deep details, but I did know she’d seemed happy. “It made me feel a little blindsided at first,” she told me, “as I was under the impression we felt very similarly about each other. So, when they divulged that they weren’t experiencing as strong of feelings as I was, it was truly gut-wrenching. Quite embarrassing as well, as someone who struggles with vulnerability.
“I felt myself instantly react in an avoidant way. I ended up being the one to fully break things off just so I could retain some semblance of power in the dynamic and hopefully kickstart the healing process.” She said it all happened really quickly. One week they were happy and thriving, and the next they were done. “But I think for them, it was a few months in the making. So the breakup wasn’t as premature as it might seem from the outside,” she said.
Basically, her boyfriend felt that the relationship was falling short of his expectations. And, instead of sticking it out to see if his feelings would change or things would evolve, he told her how he was feeling. On the one hand, this sounds brutal. I think maybe five or 10 years ago, people in the same position would’ve put more pressure on themselves to make it work.
And there’s some merit to this, as relationships – and the people in them – absolutely evolve over time. But it can also be seen as a positive, that we exist in a young society that feels self-aware, trust their instincts and feel confident to express how they feel and put themselves first.
“Although it’s been really tough to grapple with breaking up six months in, I’m beyond grateful that we ended things when we did rather than dragging it out months or years, before eventually meeting the same fate,” Ruby said. “I feel safe in saying that I truly gave the relationship my best shot. I can’t say how the other person felt, but I do think the issues we faced weren’t really things we could work through… I don’t think it would’ve benefited anyone to stay together and try to work through this.”
The attitude towards dating apps is dire. People on TikTok do not seem excited to go on dates, due to the lack of actual conversation, level of seriousness or respect that exists in the world of app-based dating.
Perhaps it’s because we have so many choices that we feel as though we have all the options in the entire world at our fingertips, and it takes away the value or ability to recognise a true connection. This idea, that the world is for the taking, makes us feel less stressed when it comes to finding someone we want to date long-term, like there’s no rush.
@bncmap being as sweet as humanly possible in these circumstances @Brooke Averick @Connor Wood 🐸 @TMG Studios ♬ original sound – Brooke & Connor Make a Podcast
“I’m not going to settle for some mediocre date who doesn’t text me for weeks after our first kiss,” my single-and-dating friend Lauren said to me one night over wine, and I think she echoes what many of the younger daters out there are thinking. I had a similar thought when I went through my most recent breakup almost two years ago. It dawned on me that I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted to be, and I was making excuses for that because I wanted to be in a relationship.
I think many of us have felt that way, especially as women; that we’ll make up for not getting what we need and want, simply because having a relationship feels more important. Maybe it’s a societal thing, that women’s success has largely been measured by desirability, or maybe it’s the way we’ve grown up seeing the people around us engage in relationships. Either way, we feel differently now on a seemingly mass scale.
Women all over TikTok are talking about their choice to be single with vigour, stating that they’d much rather be single than lonely in a relationship. There are good and bad parts about this change. Taking the pressure off relationships ‘working out’ is really positive.
I remember being in my late teens and early twenties and feeling like it was the most important thing ever. But now, Gen Z seems much more interested in their mental health and friendships, than engaging in a situationship that isn’t giving them what they need.
@roryuphold The stigma against being single is so antiquated especially for women over 30… tome for a reframe!!! #singlelife #datinginyour30s #singlebychoice #singleladies ♬ original sound – Rory Uphold
In saying that, it’s occurred to me that the way we view romance at the moment is a little cynical. It’s a lot of expecting the worst from people. Things like ghosting, gaslighting and low emotional availability seem to be at an all-time high, likely because the priority we place on being in relationships has diminished. It’s not surprising that less pressure on ‘finding the one’ has created a newfound laziness in the dating world, but it doesn’t align with the expectations we have of future partners.
While we’re looking for respect, romance, communication and vulnerability, we’re getting apathy, self-righteousness and mixed signals because we don’t live in a society that needs each other in the same way anymore. Personally, I find it hard to imagine a world where a woman needs a man to own a house, or pretty much any finances at all. Living in a world where a man needs a woman to help his name be passed down the generations is also hard for me to comprehend.
Sure, these dynamics are still at play, but they’re much less spoken about and certainly much less prevalent in modern society — particularly so in Western culture. Obviously, we love this. This move towards self-love, self-care, independence and a generally more ‘equal’ playing field is a move in the right direction – especially for us women.
And yes, with change comes adjustment, so it’s only normal for such a change to create some shifting priorities. I’d just like us to acknowledge that we’re never going to feel as though we’re in the perfect position to fall in love, so it’s important not to lose sight of just how beautiful it can be.
Like, falling in love is still cool. Recently, Abbie Chatfield hard-launched her relationship with musician Adam Hyde and she’s been creating heaps of great content about all the things her new relationship has taught her so far.
Loads of people are in support, but of course, many are not, with the majority of negative commentary coming from people accusing her of talking about nothing else. “Is this your whole personality now? Your boyfriend?” one TikTok user commented, to which Abbie replied, “After years of abusive, fucked men, let me bask in it”. And I agree with her!
@abbiechatfield Replying to @annie.new.m ♬ original sound – Abbie Chatfield
Being in a relationship is just as valuable as spending time alone. Choosing to open yourself up to commitment, love, intimacy, learning and partnership doesn’t take away from the time you get to spend learning about yourself. Or it shouldn’t, if it’s the right relationship. So maybe we need to chill a little on the breakups. Maybe it’s time we reassess the importance of healthy relationships.
It’s easy to breakup with someone because we’re scared, we want more time to ourselves and maybe we feel we have more exploring to do. But I think it’s important that we reflect on where our priorities lie, and have that conversation with whoever we’re dating from the outset. Yes, it’s important to focus on ourselves, but it’s also important to recognise how beneficial having other people in our lives can be and the depths of intimacy, vulnerability and beauty that can be found in meaningful romantic connections.
For advice on navigating a breakup, head here.
