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Help, I’m secretly obsessed with Elliot Stabler

WORDS BY GIULIA BRUGLIERA

Considered especially heinous.

So this is not a fluff piece with a surprise dive into human psychology. It won’t turn into an analysis of behaviour or trends, hooking you in with a pop culture reference before dissecting the chemistry behind attraction. No, it’s simply a confession, sent out into the ether in the hopes that someone, somewhere, feels the same way I do.

My confession is this: I’m secretly very attracted to Elliot Stabler.

To me he is the ‘one that got away’, so to speak. My crush on him is omnipresent, sometimes barely perceptible, but always, always there. I sometimes even forget I have a crush on him. But like with all the ones who got away, as soon as we see each other again (lol) it hits me like a slap in the face.

Naturally, with our extending isolation coupled with the news that an SVU spinoff is on the cards, my attraction is burning strong. I’ve watched three seasons back to back every night for about a month now, meaning Stabler’s roguish husky vocals have quite literally been my lullaby for some time.

But not only is my fantasy relationship with Elliot stabler far fetched, it’s flat out impossible. Because the problem with this crush is that Elliot Stabler, of course, does not exist.

All celebrity crushes naturally exist at some level of unattainable, which only makes them stronger. But anyone who has ever had a crush on a made-up tv character (don’t lie) will know how complex the emotional dynamic can be. You begin to fall in love with their quirks, their values and beliefs, the way they interrogate suspects and even the way they interact with others, and it’s these qualities that draw you in.

Not, necessarily, their looks.

Like many before me who have also developed a crush on made-up people, my crush does not extend to the actor who plays him, Christopher Meloni. Though, he did put forward a compelling case when he shared the below tweet last month.

Overall, I look at photos of Chris and think ‘meh’. But when he’s dressed as Elliot Stabler, it’s a different story.

So yes, it is tempting to write “I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with Stabler, I don’t even find him attractive!” But I do know why I’m so obsessed.

It’s not Stabler’s looks that have led me to this end, but rather his entirely fictionally crafted personality.

For those who don’t watch SVU (how have you made it this far down the article?) might I summarise:

  • He is roguish and the official ‘bad boy’ of Manhattan Special Victims Unit (a difficult title to win in the company of Odafin Tutuola)
  • He always operates under an intent to act for the greater good and not without consequence
  • He is fiercely loyal to his wife Kathleen, even though we KNOW he should be with Olivia
  • He is caring, gentle, has a deep respect for women and is our loyal protector

Downsides

  • His character was written 25 years ago so he sometimes makes unintended and inadvertent homophobic and misogynistic comments
  • nothing else???

Admittedly, I consulted my mum on this article because she too loves SVU and I wanted to see if she had any additions. While she doesn’t have a crush on ‘El’ (understandable, he doesn’t exist), she told me that Nick Amaro beats him hands down (fair) and that she thinks John Munch is a bit of a ‘looker’.

Knowing that my mum finds Munch attractive, I guess I feel slightly less alone now. Also, concerned.

If per chance you feel the same way I do, please save me from my own humiliation. DM us on Instagram (@fashionjournalmagazine) and let me know. If there’s enough of us, who knows, I might make a support group or something.

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