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What to do if you suspect your partner is cheating

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CLAUDIA FISCHER
WORDS BY KAYA MARTIN

Remember: innocent until proven guilty.

We all know the feeling. Perhaps your partner is exchanging a few too many texts to someone curiously named ‘Tim Hobbs Accountant’. Maybe you caught them giving side-eye to some baddie at the bar that seemed a little too familiar. It starts like a repetitive drip, irritating but not life-threatening, then soon enough you’re drowning in paranoia.

When such suspicions arise, it can feel like a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t scenario. Either you’re correct, and your heart gets broken, or you’re not, and you hurt your partner’s feelings by wrongfully accusing them. 


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There is a wide range of ways to deal with such situations, some of which are better than others. So what’s the right thing to do when your partner is acting suss? We’re going to break down some of the healthy ways of handling it, instead of, you know, tossing all of their belongings off the balcony. 

What counts as cheating?

We all hold our own definition of what cheating looks like. Some draw the line at a fire emoji Instagram comment, while others only consider it cheating if it involves something physical outside of the relationship. This is why sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis offers a new term: a relational rule violation. 

“That’s a good term because it is about less judgement, and it applies to a lot of different things,” says Kassandra. A relational rule violation can be anything that breaks the rules of the relationship. It’s not just an umbrella term for cheating – it can also apply to other types of secret-keeping as well. 

Kassandra says it’s extremely important to outline the terms of your relationship very clearly in order to avoid an accidental rule violation. I’ll put it bluntly: you’re not exclusive unless you both say that you’re exclusive. And the more communication you have about what you’re comfortable with, the better. You know what they say about assuming.

“Having specific, explicit arrangements so you know what’s okay and what’s not okay in the relationship can help really build that trust,” Kassandra tells me.

An sneaky suspicion

At first, all you have is a theory that your partner may be hiding something from you. Before bringing up the subject to your partner, it’s important to collect a bit more evidence. But no, this doesn’t mean you should start snooping through all of their possessions.

“We have to remember that people’s devices, their phones, their laptops… They’re still entitled to their privacy, and we are not entitled to just check their phones if we’re curious,” says Kass. 

Asking the right questions is a better way to gain information while still respecting your partner’s privacy. Aim for gentle and interested, not accusatory and attacking. Think, “I’ve noticed you’ve been out a lot this week, would you be able to tell me about where you’ve been?”, and not “WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON’T!?”. 

Broaching the subject

Eventually, you know enough to have a pretty clear vision of what might be going on. Now it’s time to present your case. Try to approach the conversation as calmly as you can, which I understand may be tricky given the circumstances.

The initial instinct may be to get fired up and angry. Perhaps you have a flair for the dramatic and were looking forward to putting on a whole “How dare you!” type of scene. Unfortunately, this can be a barrier to good communication. 

“Often those things will make a person really defensive, and they will shut down and they may find it really hard to have a productive conversation and be open and upfront about something because they’re trying to protect their truth,” explains Kass.

Don’t assume your cheating hypothesis is correct just yet. Remember: innocent until proven guilty. Lay out your theory, your evidence, and how it makes you feel. Check in with your partner and give them space to respond. When it’s all on the table, they can either fess up or offer an explanation of their actions.

Depending on how the conversation goes, the next part is up to you. If you want to save your relationship, it’s important to work together to create a plan moving forward. Maybe you want them to communicate more so you don’t feel so left out of the loop, or maybe you need to repair the lack of trust in your relationship with couple’s counselling.

Maybe you need some time to work on yourself. An action plan is what will stop you from being back in this same situation in a few months time. Or maybe they are simply a liar, a cheater and a bad person. In that case, the doctor prescribes Bachelorette reruns and vegan peanut butter Ben and Jerry’s

This article was originally published on March 10, 2022.

For more on cheating, head here.

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