The 8 worst people you’ll meet at the gym

Illustration by Twylamae
Words by Tara Smith

An analysis.

Unless you’re my mum, you’re probably unaware that I recently joined a gym.

Yes I, a walking potato, decided to join a gym.

After finally convincing myself to step inside one, I came to realise that like public transport and the dinner table, the gym has its own rules of etiquette. Except there are no transport officers or parents to yell at anyone, which creates problems.

I’m no Michelle Bridges, but even I know there are certain things that just don’t fly in the land of 2XU and Nike. There are rules. Rules that must be followed.

Unfortunately, not everyone lives by these same guidelines. It doesn’t matter where you go, these anarchists exist in all corners of the world. And they’ve flown under the radar for far too long.

Behold, here are 8 of the worst people you’ll meet at the gym, should you ever decide to go.

1. The prolific sweater

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of sweat in the gym. EXCEPT when that sweat is left dripping off a bike I’m about to use. While bathing in a stranger’s sweat sounds extremely appealing, I’d rather just deal with my own.

2. The stalker

Not in a creepy way, but in a I-want-that-machine way. When the roles are reversed, I’m polite enough to go stare at a wall or spend my time looking busy. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way.

3. The one who uses two machines at once

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be too paranoid to use new equipment in fear of breaking your leg. That means you have to wait your turn if someone is using your prized machine, and wait double the time if they’re using two machines at once.

4. The Maria Sharapova

We GET it. You lift. Usually found by weights section, the ‘Maria Sharapova’ has to let everyone know they’re at the gym by grunting incoherently. Grunts are usually followed by slamming down of weights to let everyone know, ‘yes, I lift THAT much.’

5. The one who leaves all their equipment out

And leaves weaklings like me to move their 50kg weights off the machines. Pls, I don’t want to lift any more than I have to.

6. The chess player

When you step inside a gym, an ordinary drink bottle becomes some kind of weird territorial marker. The worst kind of person strategically places their bottle to claim a machine, while they use something else beforehand.

7. The Snapchatter

Did you really step foot in a gym if you didn’t Snapchat it? I’m not sure what’s worse; the person that stands in the mirror flexing their muscles, or the person that Snapchats their entire routine. Either way, is any real exercise getting done?

8. The dawdler

I don’t know about any of you, but the second I step foot in a gym, I’m thinking about getting the hell out of there. Therefore I don’t understand people who sit around on their phones, or spend minutes taking up a machine when they should just GTFO. These people are the slow walkers of ordinary society, and equally as infuriating.

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