Why do I feel icked out by sex in my relationship?

Sex therapist Laura Miano explains why people can experience a ‘sex ick’ with a long-term partner, and what might be causing it. 

Laura Miano is a sex therapist, director of evidence-based therapy practice Miano Clinical Sexology, and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Posmo. Her mission is to empower individuals to embrace their unique sense of sexuality and achieve a more fulfilling sex life.

Usually, when we hear people talk about ‘getting the ick’ it’s to do with a new or potential partner, the moment you notice something they do (or wear, or say, or don’t say) that makes your whole body go, “nope!”. 

But sometimes, people experience the ick in their long-term relationship with their partner, when it comes to sex. The ‘sex-ick’ is a feeling of disgust or aversion toward the thought or act of sex. It may appear when someone initiates sex, during sex itself, or even at the thought of being intimate with another person.

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Understandably, this is both confronting and confusing because it completely contrasts their other feelings for their partner, like love, care and affection. While it can be incredibly challenging to face, it’s an issue that comes up often from patients in my therapy sessions. The good news is it’s possible to work through and as a sex therapist, it’s such a joyful moment helping clients overcome this.

What causes the ick?

If you think you’ve been experiencing a sex ick with your partner, identifying what’s caused it can be super validating. Acknowledging that you’re having a normal response to a shitty situation can remind you that there’s nothing wrong with you and that by changing the context, you can reduce these feelings. Here are some of the reasons why the ick may be coming up.

Partner-imposed pressure

When sexual boundaries are crossed repeatedly, it can lead to feelings of aversion. This often happens if one partner has pressured the other to have sex or made them feel guilty for not engaging in it. Sometimes, the pressure is unintentional while in other cases, it’s coercive. In both instances, when sex becomes a ‘demand’ activity rather than one motivated by love, connection and genuine desire, it can feel hollow and mechanical. Over time, having such experiences can condition the body to respond with stronger aversion as a means of self-protection.

Self-imposed pressure

In some cases, people impose pressure on themselves to maintain certain standards, such as believing that they ‘should’ have sex simply because they’re in a relationship or because that’s what their partner needs. This self-imposed sense of obligation can further reduce a person’s sexual agency and lead them to feel disconnected from who they are as a sexual person. Like partner-imposed pressure, this dynamic can lead to an aversion response to sex, as a means of protecting oneself against something that feels forced or inauthentic.

Past sexual trauma

A history of sexual trauma can also contribute to feelings of disgust in certain sexual contexts. Even within a loving relationship, unwanted sexual experiences may trigger a greater sense of agency loss, similar to their previous traumatic experience. This reaction occurs because aspects of the current context may unintentionally mirror harmful past experiences, even if the partner’s intentions are caring. This whole experience can lead people to feel incredibly confused and helpless.

Overcoming the ick

People often feel like there’s no way out of these feelings towards sex, given their intensity and how confusing they can be. The good news is it’s absolutely possible to overcome! Addressing it typically starts with understanding the root causes and taking intentional steps from there. Here are a few ways I work through it with my clients.

Identifying the cause

The first step is understanding why the aversion is there in the first place. If the issue stems, for example, from partner-related pressure, couple’s therapy can be helpful. Therapy can educate the partner about consent and explore alternative forms of intimacy, such as kissing or affectionate touch, to establish a happier medium of intimacy for the two partners.

Exploring sexuality

Reconnecting with one’s sexual self is often another critical element. Many people experiencing the ‘sex-ick’ feel broken or believe they are not sexual people. However, this is rarely the case. Often, it’s the dynamic between partners that simply hasn’t sparked desire. Slowing intimacy down, incorporating more mental foreplay, or injecting more flirty interactions into their day-to-day interactions can help people discover they do indeed experience desire. These strategies, however, vary based on individual needs and preferences.

Communicating needs

Open communication plays a big role in increasing the chances of having a satisfying sexual experience. Expressing desires and boundaries helps align sexual experiences with what you truly desire. Ultimately, it’s hard to have the kind of sex you want if you aren’t asking for it! It’s also important your partner is on board with communication too and makes you feel comfortable to speak up, and vice versa.

Challenging beliefs about sex

Another element I’ll address is exploring a person’s beliefs about sex in their relationship and whether simply ticking it off aligns with their values. Oftentimes it doesn’t and we will identify what they truly want sex in their relationship to be like.

Addressing sexual trauma

If a person has had experiences that’ve made them feel unsafe, processing their trauma can help to disarm the ‘alarm bell’ that gets set off in subsequent experiences which are in fact, safe. However, processing is only part of the journey. Slowly reintegrating back into being sexual and ensuring unique needs are met along the process, often helps them to build trust back up in sex, and disarm the alarm bell.

Ultimately, by addressing the root cause, fostering a more open dialogue, and reconnecting with sexual desires and agency, people can move past the ‘sex-ick’ in their relationship and cultivate a sexual relationship that’s built on pleasure, honesty and care.

For more from Laura, follow @lauramianosexology.