14/03/2017
Take the psychology test.

Words by

Alyce Cowell

Every morning when you roll out of bed and pull on your favourite pair of jeans, you think you’re just getting dressed. 

But did you know you’re actually making a giant statement to the world about the kind of person you are, what type of beverage you prefer and how you like your eggs cooked? It’s true, I promise. 

Read on to find out what your denim says about you. 

Mom jeans

You most likely live in the depths of Melbourne’s north, splitting your time between cheap beer and bowls of pho. 

You’re a lone wolf: you don’t need opinions and you don’t go on shopping trips with girlfriends, preferring to pick your threads from the local Savers. 

Your style choices make you both effortless and cool as a goddamn cucumber, however in your fight against all things conformist and trendy, you’re actually being very normcore and trendy. (Please don’t hurt me.)

Frayed-hem jeans

It might not seem much, but that small frayed hem on the ankles of your jeans says so much about you. You just know what’s up in the world of fashun. 

You have a large assortment of pumps, Chanel Boy bags and silky embroidered bomber jackets that drape perfectly over the shoulders and never fall off in front of everyone while they laugh at you. 

Most weeknights you can be found attending blogger events with said items in tow. 

Boyfriend jeans

Whether it’s baggy tees over bandage dresses or Netflix over socialising with other humans, you’re all about that comfort life. 

Your boyfriend jeans are kind of like a security blanket for you – they make you feel like a comfy warm cinnamon bun and you’re not opposed to wearing them every single day. 

Because you’re a no-frills kinda gal, you’ll usually pair yours with a stripe tee and Birkenstocks. 

Skinny jeans

If you’re under the age of 30, you probably don’t even remember any other styles of jeans. Yep, you’re Gen Y-er through and through, and ever since the metrosexual-populated, neon-tinted days of the mid-00s, you’ve stuck by the trusty skinny leg. 

They’re still the most loved style of jean (despite reports every bloody season they’re going out of fashion), making them a perfect all-rounder. In other words, skinny legs don’t discriminate. 

If these are your favourite, you’re an all-rounder too. From your taste in music to food, you’re pretty open-minded. 

…and also a little bit basic.

Flares 

You’re confident, brave and at least 10 feet tall. This helps, because you need to be all of these things to pull off these bad boys. They’re one bitchy little pair of denim, wanting to hang out with only a very small percentage of the female population. Lucky you! 

Flares are also very fun, so it means you don’t take yourself or fashion too seriously. People like being around you, even though you deck yourself out in ’70s paraphernalia and complain that you were definitely born in the wrong era. Even though you’re at Splendour in the Grass dressed like literally everyone else. 

Jeggings 

Jeggings, as the name suggests, are a hybrid of two things that should never go together: leggings and jeans. 

On paper, they’re a dream: comfy as leggings, with the look of a jean. Infomercials will tell you no one will ever be able to tell the difference. Do not listen, this is a lie. IRL, jeggings actually just look like a pair of blue leggings, and are by far the most unflattering style in this entire article. 

Girl, if you’re still wearing jeggings we need to have a serious chat. Owning a pair of these in 2017 either means you’re a hoarder and you continue to wear pieces 10 years after buying them, or you just give absolutely zero f*cks and value comfort over any social status.

Props to you for that second one, though.

Illustration by Twylamae.

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