02/05/2016
Welcome, and my condolences.

Words by

Tara Smith

My entire childhood was spent wondering when I was going to become an adult.

From what I observed from my parents, being an adult meant you could pretty much do what you wanted, so naturally I couldn’t wait to join them.

Until the moment I did. 

I can’t remember the exact moment I realised I had entered adulthood. But in retrostpect, the signs were all there. I had just chosen to ignore them.

No, these signs don’t consist of a steady 9-5, a stable income and a house, despite what your childhood would have you believe. In reality, it’s much more complex than that.

To assist fellow adolescents who are also in adult denial, I have compiled a list of every moment that forced me to this point. 

These are the undeniable truths of being an adult, and if you relate to any then you are probably already an adult. 

Sorry.

  1. I go to the doctor by myself. I even make my own appointments.
     
  2. I spent $200 on a new doona cover and I was excited about it.
     
  3. I attended my first gallery exhibition that my parents didn’t drag me along to. I loved it. (Even though it was the Andy Warhol/Ai Wei Wei exhibition and had its own dedicated kid’s section, it still counts.)
     
  4. I paid my own car insurance and rego for the first time. The fact that I even have my own car insurance is saying something.
     
  5. I genuinely thought about going to the museum as a fun thing to do on my day off. If you’ve ever Googled ‘what’s on at the museum’ you may as well enter retirement now. 
     
  6. Going out every weekend diminished to every now and then, which then diminished to rarely. At first, I blamed this on working in hospitality, before realising I actually prefer to be in bed.
     
  7. I didn’t cry when my parents said I was too old for Christmas presents. I agreed.
     
  8. I bought a toolbox and put all of my Ikea furniture together by myself. I also thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Ikea.
     
  9. My palate rapidly matured. I was drinking vodka raspberries one minute and opting for a full-bodied Bordeaux the next. 
     
  10. My Facebook newsfeed swiftly changed from photo albums of 18ths and 21sts to engagements, babies and houses. (Seriously, what the hell?)
     

If you’ve found yourself silently agreeing on any number of these points, welcome, and my condolences.

Personally, adulthood isn’t what I expected at all. I thought I’d have my throne and my millions to guide me into the next stage of my life, but that never really showed up.

In reality, my actions reflect those of a pensioner and I still have no idea what I’m doing.

One day I’m sure I’ll buy a house and do all the adult things expected of me, but not today. Today I’m just going to take comfort in the fact the guy at the bottleshop still asks me for ID.

Illustration by Twylamae who also made this Sad Drake tee.

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