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What Britney’s iconic tees from the 2000s would say in 2019

Illustration by Twylamae
Words by Nicole La Ruffa

“I Didn’t Click On Your Insta Story.”

Let’s face it: the noughties are long gone, buried in a shallow grave with Roxy belts and Eiffel 65.

But every now and again, we take turns digging up old ghosts, allowing them the chance to linger once more under the guise of being ‘retro’.

While brands may be successfully reviving bedazzled hair clips and branded tracksuits, it seems that there’s one 2000s trend that’s yet to be dusted from the archives – the blatant graphic tee.

You might recall a younger Britney Spears and her honest shirts – quoting phrases like ‘Dump Him’, or the simply-put, ‘Fuck’. They were the calling card of the ’00s, and potentially even defined our generation.

 

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It got me thinking, what exactly should our graphic tees be proclaiming in 2019?

Let us ruminate.

I Didn’t Click On Your Insta Story

Sometimes the dashes denoting the length of an Insta Story become so small and frequent it makes me wonder if I’ll ever get out alive. If my thumb starts to cramp from trying to dissect your every OOTM (Outfit Of The Minute) then I’m afraid I’m far too weak to keep up. Just send me a PDF at the end of the day.

Meal Prep, Bitch

People that actively take care of their health and wellbeing will know about this one (I had to Google). This one’s to remind us less-evolved folk that eating an Oporto pita pocket meal every day for lunch might be the reason we (mostly I) get breathless from very small inclines. Someone please make this T-shirt, and send over the sizing options.

Don’t Forget Your KeepCup

If you haven’t already embraced the KeepCup, you might as well be wearing a shirt that says ‘Screw The Environment’.

Almond Milk or Nothin’

Dedicated to all the lactose-intolerant reps out there, or the ones that have been told cutting out dairy will give them the smooth, glowing complexion of a newborn baby (let me know when that’s supposed to kick in, okay?).

Always Touch-Off

The Victorian public transport users will know this one. Although we would need another tram variation (‘Touch-On But You Don’t Need To Touch-Off, Don’t Get It Mixed Up’ should fit nicely).

Vibe. Vibe. Vibe.

This (overused) word is spoken so much it might as well be sewn across our chests and possibly burnt into our skin. In fact, an ancient legend claims that if you say ∼the v-word∼ three times into a mirror at 3am, a friendly goblin will appear and fix up your Instagram grid.

Mood.

Another (overused) term that we’ve just kind of welcomed as an acceptable response to anything we say in conversation. Or like, a picture of an ant who’s dropped all of the crumbs it was carrying. Let’s just slap it on a tee and call it a day.

Heart React or Forever Hold Your Peace

Heart-reacting to a social media post is the new-age equivalent of returning from the primary school canteen with an extra rainbow Paddle Pop for one of your top tier friends. It’s what some would refer to as ‘going the extra mile’.

The Uber Is Here

We haven’t yet mastered the art of clicking our heels and uttering, ‘there’s no place like home’. Instead, we must rely on handy car services to transport us all the way back to Kansas (or the south-eastern suburbs).

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