Things fashion bloggers do that I just don’t understand

As written by a photographer.

Go to any fashion event in a major Australian city and you will see one. A fashion blogger. Standing in a corner with a champagne flute in one hand and a phone in the other. Typically browsing Instagram. 

My job, for the past five years, has been to take their picture. I’m a photographer. I don’t have a business card, I’m lacking in WordPress, and my wardrobe looks more Sloths Of 2007 than Summer Of 2015. However, that doesn’t stop me from attending several big fashion events each year, to snap around and be merry.

For many, fashion blogging and photography have a kewl intersection. But for photographers who manage to shoot events several times a year, yet haven’t ascended to fash-blog status, bloggers can look a little strange. 

There are a few things that fashion bloggers get up to which I, a mere photographer, cannot understand. Here are just a few of the bizarre habits bloggers engage in which grind my gears:

The walking shot

Scope Insta for a hot minute and you’ll no doubt stumble upon some bloggers in a mid-walk action shot. Sure, if it’s during VAMFF or MBFWA, you might genuinely be off to a runway. 

Otherwise, where are you going? Is it to work? Because I’m picturing an image of you doing a slow motion step while your mate stands around with an iPhone. Your boss called, and he’d like you to stop pacing up and down the parking lot and get back to the register at Coles.

Flatlaying

Flatlaying is a staple of the blogger realm. The capacity to spread an outfit across a desk has made some bloggers ridiculously famous. 

Dear bloggers, does your desk really look like that? Do your Armani accessories just fall together on the table? Stop trying to make me feel bad. Show me something else. Show me what you stole from your last one night stand. 

And how is your lighting always so on point? Do you have a studio set up at home for this very purpose?  I’m pretty sure that level of object-collage and illumination doesn’t come with the Mayfair filter. My only answer is witchcraft. 

Taking photos of your food

Bloggers, for some reason, can get any meal to look like it came from a foodie advertorial. Now, I’ve photographed food before – commissioned, in actual restaurants – and there’s no way your iPhone 6s can make steak Shine Bright Like A Diamond.

Your breakfast might have come out looking like Jamie Oliver waved his wand at it, but let’s be honest: once you were done wolfing it down, it was smeared on your shirt like you wore it as a bib. 

Also, why must you tag the venue in a grateful Insta like you know the owner and ate there for free? Gurl, you went in for hungover Sunday brunch in jeggings and a cheap hoodie like the rest of us. Calm down.

Why your pictures look better than mine

This is the part where I admit that I’m really just jealous.

I take photos for a job. It’s my profession. Yet every time I glance at a fashion bloggers’ latest #OOTD, I am reminded of just how inferior I truly am. Your morning selfies look like a damn Marie Claire editorial. 

You must have studied up, because you have every clue of how to take a nice selfie. Either that, or you’ve enlisted a budding photog to do your outfit bidding. And I’ve started DMing Instagrammers for shoot location ideas.

Some of the photos I’ve seen on certain blogs have legitimately made me want to cry. I’m looking at you, Nicole Warne. 

What I’m trying to say is, some bloggers take my career and run it into the ground – with a hashtag for good measure. I guess if there’s one thing a love for fashion teaches, it’s quality aesthetics. But that shouldn’t suggest your antics aren’t still a little bit strange.

That said, tens of thousands of followers and various social media sponsorship deals can’t be wrong. I should probably just jump on the bandwagon. Can anyone help me flatlay? Or take a snap mid-walking through Woolworths?

Follow me on Insta soon, babes! Hashtag #BloggersAU! 

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