How posting my outfits online improved my confidence

“Looking at myself on my little screen desensitised me to the parts I thought I didn’t like.”

There’s nothing quite as mortifying as scrolling through your Instagram archive, looking at all the embarrassing photos you posted years ago. And even worse than the photos are the captions.

Between references to song lyrics (Taylor Swift, I’m looking at you), moody Tumblr quotes I thought made me mysterious and some very questionable eyebrow choices, my digital footprint leaves a lot to be desired. 

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When TikTok took over the internet in 2020, I thought I’d always be a lurker, one of those mysterious users with no videos and an anonymous handle. If only 2020 me could see me now.

It started on Instagram. In 2021, I had nothing to do. I was working a few days a week in a cafe, hiding inside my house and trying to stay sane. In the short periods when lockdown lifted and we were allowed outside, I’d drive out to Savers with Olivia Rodrigo playing full blast from my car stereo, and drown my sorrows in secondhand clothing.

And although my shopping skills needed some (a lot) of work, being creative with clothing became a routine for me. It filled my time. It made me feel good. At some point, I started taking small videos of my – questionable, but she was learning – outfits and uploading them to my Instagram stories.

I started a series called ‘fit or flop’ where I’d put a poll up, asking my followers if they thought what I was wearing that day was a ‘fit’ or a ‘flop’. Spoiler alert: most of the outfits were flops. In fact, they were objectively horrific. I’ve erased most of them from my profile now, but I’m sure they’re still out there somewhere, lurking, ready to haunt me later in life. 

Obviously, I didn’t think the outfits were bad at the time. This leads me to worry whether I’ll look back at my current style in three years and think ‘Girl, what were you doing?’. And maybe I will, but does that really matter? It’s about learning what you don’t like. The more you figure out what you don’t like, the better you’ll be at finding and recognising the stuff you do like. 

Besides, I think it’s less about the content of the videos and more about how it made me feel. The first TikTok I made, I could barely watch or edit it. I couldn’t stand the sight of my own face and body on camera, let alone listen to my voice while editing. It’s funny because now, it barely registers. I love making videos and I love editing. In fact I’ll happily listen to myself say the same sentence over and over while I’m writing closed captions. 

If I scroll back to the start of my TikTok feed, I’m sure I would be embarrassed by what’s there. Similar to those old Instagram stories, the outfits were questionable. I was awkward on camera, I didn’t know how to hold my body (I also didn’t know how to dress for my body, but that’s a whole other story), and you could tell I was uncomfortable. But if I hadn’t been uncomfortable back then, I wouldn’t be where I am now. 

Sometimes I think I should scroll all the way down there and archive all my old TikTok posts. But then I ask myself, who actually cares? Not me. Things seem cringe until they’re suddenly not, and there’s no rule. Is it when you have 1,000 followers or when you have 20,000? Is it when people you don’t know tell you they love your TikToks? Or is it when you get your first hate comment? And I’m not out here saying my social media presence is perfect (not even close!), but what I am saying is that in the end, it doesn’t matter. 

Before I started posting online, my experience on social media was one filled with constant comparison to others. It was marred by envy, jealousy and dejection. But once I’d settled into creating my own little niche online, I started looking at other people’s content differently. Instead, I’d think ‘How can I recreate that?’ or ‘How can I incorporate that into my life?’. 

That’s the magic of mindset. I shifted from an experience of comparison to one of creativity and inspiration. Looking at myself on my little screen desensitised me to the parts I thought I didn’t like. So if you’re looking for a sign, here it is. Just post the video.

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