TikTok’s obsession with ‘elegance’ makes me want to scream

What happens when you try dressing and acting more ‘silent’?

On a recent doom-scroll session, I came across an onslaught of TikTok videos telling me, in great detail, how to become more elegant. Some offered styling tips with beige and monochrome palettes, tailored suit pants and minimal jewellery, others demonstrated ‘undetectable makeup hacks’ to add #elegance to a look.

Another video took a more blunt approach: ‘You don’t look elegant and here’s why’, listing sloppy posture, shifty eye gaze and flashy dressing as ‘no-nos’. I scoffed when one TikTokker commented: “elegance is silence, insecurity is loud.” Then a few minutes later, I caught sight of my dead-eyed, slack-jawed reflection in my phone screen and decided this was actually the advice I needed to hear, and action, immediately.

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Motivated by shame, I made a list of elegant tweaks I wanted to implement in the coming week. I swapped my scruffy sneakers for polished leather loafers. I packed away all my tops with graphics, animal prints or tie-dye patterns (why do I own so many?), and ironed a few collared shirts. I’d planned a particularly garish shade of purple for my next salon appointment, instead I opted for OPI’s Tiramisu for Two.

In the spirit of elegance-maxxing, I’d also make an effort to walk and sit with better posture, make eye contact in conversations and remember to pause before I start yapping.

Why is TikTok obsessed with elegance?

TikTok’s ‘elegant’ discourse seems closely tied to the Old Money and Quiet Luxury aesthetics that’ve been trending for the past two years. That key word – quiet – is repeatedly mentioned in the videos, in contrast to being ‘loud’. Phrases like “she’s the kind of elegance that doesn’t need to be loud” are pasted over cuts of aspirational #classy scenes – a Mason Pearson brushing through hair, leather-bound books, nude manicures holding glasses of white wine…

It could also have something to do with the upcoming biopic, ‘American Love Story’, which has everyone revisiting Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy’s iconic capsule wardrobe and toffee-blonde hair (which the film seems to have got totally wrong). Beyond aesthetics, TikTok’s lifestyle guides to elegance seem on par with conservative, tradwife influencers, many of whom romanticise the idea of women being in submissive roles.

Who are the ‘elegant’ icons?

Aside from dressing like CBK, the blueprints for ‘elegance’ seem to be Sofia Richie for hair inspo, namely for her slicked-back bun and blunt bob, and Hailey Bieber for her demure makeup and monochrome outfits.

Isn’t it all a bit… white? Regressive? Anti-feminist?

Similar to the Stealth Wealth and Quiet Luxury trends, this obsession with ‘elegance’ is almost exclusively focused on thin, caucasian creators. Many writers have criticised the racist and classist origins of these aesthetics, and most of the TikTok videos I watched showed zero signs of this critical thinking. From a feminist perspective, it’s also hard to stomach that young woman are encouraging other woman to act more ‘silent’. I found some joy in the people commenting things like “love the idea but sadly I am looouud” and “I wish, I have ADHD I never shut up.”

My week of ‘elegance’

I have to admit, I was enjoying my self-imposed Finishing School for Elegant Girls at the start of the week. Although it took extra effort in the mornings, it felt good to saunter into the office with a fresh blow-wave, perfectly tucked under the collar of my beige trench, instead of my usual dishevelled look.

But by Thursday, it was getting harder to fight my true rebellious essence. I found myself thinking of that famous Margaret Atwood quote:  You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur. Trying to constantly regulate my behaviour didn’t make me feel more elegant, only self-absorbed. And ironically, dressing and acting more ‘silent’ only made me want to scream.

For more on quiet versus loud luxury, try this.