33 signs you’ve finally grown up

Illustration by Twylamae
Words by Alyce Cowell

“Do you have a senior’s discount?”

I was young once. I fit seamlessly into the music festival crowds, understood all the memes flying around, wore uncomfortable shoes, and thought people that were five years my senior were embarrassing and old.

That was then, but now I’m 30 I seem to be texting my friends an awful lot to find out what a new word means, and whether we can do dinner any earlier tonight.

Guys, I think I’m growing up. Here are 33 signs that you are too.

1. You get your clothes altered by a professional, instead of cutting them yourself and hoping for the best.

2. You add haloumi to your brunch like it ain’t no thang. Sometimes, you add avocado AS WELL, because you feel like it and you’re an adult.

3. You finally prefer Sunday mornings over Saturday nights, even though you never thought you’d be that lame.

4. You buy the nice $7 hand soap so it looks nice in your bathroom, and when it runs out you don’t refill it with cheap Palmolive soap.

5. You are now the person at 6am walking towards the gym, rather than the leaving the club. You look at them in disgust; they look at you with pity. You secretly want them to know that used to be you.

6. You feel like you’re in your early 20s… until you talk to someone who is actually in their early 20s. Then you feel 45.

7. You avoid the “house white” and ask to see a wine list – even in the dodgy bars.

8. You live in the sweet spot where half your friends are partying, and half your friends are moving to the suburbs.

9. You know what’s up in property, and understand it’s not a good time to enter the market.

10. You say things like “enter the market”.

11. You feel supremely out of place at music festivals.

12. You feel deep shame and embarrassment when Facebook shows you one of your status updates from seven years ago.

13. You can’t go out when you have to work the next day, otherwise you might actually die.

14. You eat at restaurants that aren’t found in a food court. Maybe you even have a list in your phone of nice restaurants you’d like to try.

15. You are beginning to wonder if you should just give up and start wearing your runners with your work clothes. Comfort is key during your daily commute.

16. Your friends start having kids… on purpose.

17. You predominantly listen to music from a decade ago, and feel current music just does not compare.

18. You gear up to get shitfaced at a Saturday afternoon BBQ, only to arrive and realise there are kids and dogs everywhere. This is a nice BBQ.

19. You look in the mirror, trying to decide if these shorts are too short for you now.

20. You start referring to the mid-00s like your mum refers to the 70s.

21. You spend your hard-earned money on things like fancy skin care, nice cushions and the gourmet feta that comes in a jar.

22. You have responsibilities, like plants and pets.

23. Your Facebook feed is filled with wedding pictures and statuses about some baby’s potty training.

24. You buy wine that is more than $8 per bottle.

25. You drink said wine at the end of a long day, rather than saving it for a Saturday night binge.

26. You don’t understand what the f*ck is going on with all the cool words at the moment. Yes, you say “cool words”.

27. You have deep, drunken conversations with your friends about not wanting to grow up. Usually over BYO Thai.

28. You ask your friends questions about their health care provider and preferred bank and superannuation fund, in order to make sensible decisions.

29. You get annoyed in crowded bars because everyone keeps touching you and pushing in.

30. You know what a ‘degustation’ is.  

31. You strategically place drinks on Friday nights so you have a whole weekend to recover, and you appreciate day drinking so you can get to bed by midnight and not ruin the next day.  

32. You spend your Sunday’s food prepping and cleaning out your wardrobe.

33. Your hangovers last for two days now. Sometimes three.

34. And you have to choose brunch spots that have room for a pram, to accommodate for your friends that are even more grown-up than you.

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