A sex therapist’s tips for preparing for anal sex

“Like any type of sex, anal will involve some trial and error.”

Anal sex is one of the most intimidating kinds of sex, yet it still feels like everyone (or at least everyone’s partner) wants to try it. Anal sex includes more than just penetration with a penis – fingers, tongues, toys and more count as anal sex too. 

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While you should never feel pressured to do something you’re uncomfortable with, anal sex isn’t that scary once you know what to expect. 

Is anal sex safe?

In general, anal sex is very safe. If they properly prepare, most people don’t experience any tearing or uncomfortable side effects from anal but it can be painful at first – especially if you don’t lubricate correctly. If you already have a painful condition near your anus, such as hemorrhoids, it’s best not to have anal sex. 

Though for most people anal won’t cause physical damage, it does increase the risk of sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). This is because the skin around the anus is delicate and tiny tears can make infection more likely. 

The anus is also home to bacteria that aren’t supposed to come in contact with other parts of the body. These bacteria can cause other infections, such as urinary tract infections (UTIs). This might make it sound pretty risky, but having safe and enjoyable anal sex is fairly simple. 

How to get ready for anal

Talk to your partner

The first step to any sexual encounter is communication and consent. Talk with your partner about how to make the experience safe and comfortable for both of you. How should you start? Do you need a safe word? What’s okay to do, and what’s not okay?

Hygiene

We all hate to admit it, but anal sex carries the risk of fecal matter getting on the condom, the bed, sex toys, etc. You can reduce this risk by going to the bathroom an hour or so beforehand, but bowels don’t always work on demand. While it’s by no means necessary, many women will use an enema one to two hours before anal. 

You can buy an enema at any pharmacy, and it’s essentially a rectally inserted liquid that clears everything from your bowels in a matter of minutes. It’s worth a shot if you’re concerned about fecal matter, but it can be expensive to use one every time. 

However, your body doesn’t normally keep feces in your rectum unless you’re full, so you should know when there’s a chance of things getting too dirty. Douching or showering can make you feel cleaner, but if you practice good hygiene then your butt will be as clean as the rest of you. 

Having the right tools for the job

Your experience is going to depend on preparation, so it’s important to have condoms and lubricant on hand. Latex condoms are a safe and durable choice, but lube is going to depend on personal preference. 

You’ll want to test any lube you use to make sure you have no allergic reactions or discomfort. You also need to make sure that the lube won’t damage the condoms (lots of oil-based lubes do this). There are hundreds of different lubes you can use for anal, but most of them are water-based or oil-based. 

Water-based lubes won’t damage condoms or sex toys, but they dry up quickly and you’ll need to reapply often during sex. Oil-based lubes, such as coconut oil, usually last longer but are harder to clean up and can cause damage to some condoms and sex toys. 

You need to change the condom if you switch from anal sex to vaginal sex. Many couples put a towel down nearby where they can put their lube, used condoms, sex toys and more. 

Relax!

Your sphincter is one of the tightest muscles in your body, and it can take some effort to loosen it up. Lube helps with this, of course, but relaxing your body and mind will make anal easier and more pleasurable. 

Try some deep breathing exercises. Inhale deep into your belly and visualise releasing your pelvic muscles as you exhale. Exhaling during the initial penetration can help open your sphincter and make the penetration easier. 

Take it slow

Anal sex isn’t a race, so it’s best to take it slow and steady. Try starting by penetrating yourself with a finger or small toy, then building up as you get accustomed to the sensation. It’s absolutely okay to stop during sex and wait for your muscles to relax.

You don’t need to ‘push through the pain’ to enjoy anal sex. Your body will take time to get used to it. If you feel discomfort, stop and wait while you acclimate to the new sensation. As anal starts to feel better, your partner can penetrate deeper and start thrusting faster. You’ll probably need to build up to this little by little, but it will get easier with time. 

Try different positions

Like any type of sex, anal will involve some trial and error. Experimenting with new positions can help your body relax, increase stimulation, or allow you to be penetrated at better angles. 

Toys and training

Muscle tension is what causes initial pain during anal sex, but any muscle can be trained. If you want to be more comfortable and flexible during anal, you can use toys to train your anus for penetration. 

Butt plugs are a common way to do this, but it’s also easy to insert a dildo or vibrator while you masturbate or have vaginal sex. Training your anus will make it easier for you to try anal in new positions and enjoy faster and deeper thrusts. 

Takeaways

Anal is about pleasure – for both partners, not just the penetrator. Anyone can enjoy anal sex, but it can take preparation and work. If it hurts, don’t keep going. Wait for the pain to subside, or stop completely. If you put in the effort, though, anal sex can open up a whole new world of sexual satisfaction. Just remember to use plenty of lube!

You can find out more about Aliyah and her work as a sex therapist here.