Sexologist Chantelle Otten’s guide to navigating casual sex

“Dating is meant to be fun; it’s not rocket science.”

Wrought with tired one-liners, subpar first dates and awkward encounters, the world of casual sex can be exhausting. Gen Z is known as the ‘sexless generation’ – shockingly, we’re having the same amount of sex as Australians aged 75 and over.

But instead of being seen as something grounded in anxious uncertainty, casual sex could (and should be) something that’s fun, adventurous and exciting.

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“I think casual dating and sex is a really great opportunity for people to explore themselves and to gain experience,” sexologist Chantelle Otten tells me. “This can also help them with building confidence and self-esteem, but also enable people to set boundaries and figure out what their wants and needs are.

“It can help you connect with others without the pressures or expectations of a long-term commitment as well. I think a lot of people are really prioritising their personal goals and aspirations in 2023.”

One of Bumble’s biggest dating trends for 2023 centres around work-life balance and its intersections with dating. 49 per cent of global respondents said they’re prioritising their own work-life balance, with 13 per cent of people going as far as to say they won’t date someone who has a very demanding job.

Off the back of four-day work weeks and calls to end hustle culture, casual dating makes sense for our busy lives. We’re fighting for balance, flexibility and freedom in other parts of our lives, why shouldn’t dating follow suit?

Chantelle agrees, telling me about one of her staff members who has recently entered this world after a seven-year relationship came to an end. “She’s been taking me on this amazing journey with her and it’s really interesting,” Chantelle says, referencing the “wild” minefield of communication and experiences she’s vicariously living through. 

Entering the casual dating game after leaving a long-term relationship comes with its own set of challenges. Chantelle’s advice for those in this position includes respecting boundaries – yours and your sexual partner’s.

“It’s really important to take things slow and really communicate your intentions and make your boundaries quite clear. I think that… if you can avoid getting emotionally attached to someone too quickly, that’s really healthy for your own personal growth,” Chantelle advises. “Taking time to process your emotions and feelings about your past relationship before jumping into anything new can be extremely helpful.”

Whether you’re a veteran in the casual dating space or a tentative newbie, being transparent about your intentions is key to facilitating healthy connections. Historically on dating apps, many men have done so by shoving “not looking for anything srs” in their bios. So how do we put forth our dating desires in a well-meaning way, particularly when interactions are digital? “I think that being honest and upfront about what you’re looking for is definitely a must,” Chantelle says.

In true Australian fashion, she recommends injecting humour or light-hearted language when communicating your dating preferences. “[It’s] more approachable while still being respectful and kind… Dating is meant to be fun; it’s not rocket science, you’re not there to do surgery on someone,” Chantelle laughs.

Be clear about what you want, it’ll save time for yourself and any potential suitors. “Bumble has a few helpful tabs in terms of profiling yourself in a healthy way,” she adds, referring to its Profile Badges that share identifiers from spoken languages to star signs.

Make sure you use a variety of photos (not all group shots) and try to steer clear of anything your match is likely to have seen a thousand times before – for example, ‘my go-to pizza delivery order is XYZ, tell me yours’ is much more engaging than just ‘pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza’. Remember to be playful and positive.

“It’s important to strike a balance between being authentic and true to yourself but also protecting your emotional well-being and your personal boundaries at the same time. It’s helpful to share personal information and interests when you’re dating someone casual because it does help build a connection and establish some common ground,” Chantelle says.

When it comes to sex, we know the better the communication, the better the experience. But in the realm of casual dating, this fluidity and openness might not come as easily. Springing your deepest insecurities onto some poor lass who has known you for all of 90 minutes might not be the best plan.

If you’re feeling nervous, know that you aren’t alone. Bumble’s Modern Romance Report found that nearly half (45%) of single people in Australia surveyed say they feel inexperienced and that impacts their sexual confidence.

“I think we really need to remember that sexuality and eroticism is not something that comes naturally for all, but is something to develop and build on,” Chantelle says. “We need to learn with time and embrace the experimental period… which realistically will always be there. Sexuality is always a work in progress and is something to be prioritised and enjoyed. Look at sexuality as a pleasure experiment, not a performance.”

“You’re going to miss out if you are not open and honest. If [your sexual partner] doesn’t feel comfortable with what your boundaries and expectations are, then you keep moving and you date someone else,” Chantelle says. If the idea of verbally fleshing out all this is daunting, know you have other means. Holding these conversations through text messages, phone calls or video calls can also work.

“While you are communicating certain things, [your partner] might also want the opportunity to do so. Practise active consent – check in with your partner while you are in a sexual encounter,” Chantelle says. “Be confident and assertive in your communication. Being an advocate for yourself means you have to speak up. It means you have to remember your needs and desires are important as well.”

Ready to give casual sex a go? Try Bumble.