How do young Australians feel about choking during sex? We asked 15 FJ readers

“It should be hot and sexy, I should never feel unsafe.”

Content warning: Sexual assault.

On Tuesday, an Australian study was published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour that found of 4,702 people aged 18 to 35, 57 per cent had been strangled during sex at least once, and 51 per cent had strangled a partner at least once. Its publication sparked an important conversation around the sexual act of choking (or erotic asphyxiation, as it’s sometimes called), its rising popularity and the serious health risks it poses.

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An alarming number of women and non-binary/trans people have a story about being choked in the bedroom, sometimes occurring with inadequate or nonexistent consent. Unlike other high-risk foreplay acts, choking is seen by some as sitting on the ‘vanilla’ end of kink – despite the fact that it can cause brain damage or death, even when there are no visible injuries. Can choking be performed safely? Why is it so common? How do you feel about it? Here, 15 Fashion Journal readers share their thoughts.

Marisa*, 34, she/her

I won’t yuck someone’s yum but it’s not for me. I have experienced it firsthand and consent was not sought first. I think sometimes people (men in my experience) watch a lot of porn that normalises these kinds of sex acts. Choking, spanking, etc need an extra layer of consent. If it’s not a ‘fuck yes’, don’t do it.

Eve*, 23, she/they

I was once choked during sex without consent, and that’s the only time it’s ever happened. Even if I was in a future situation where there was an opportunity for it to be consensual, I wouldn’t want to try it. That first experience tainted it and was a bit traumatising, to be honest.

Charlie, 21, she/they

I think choking can be hot and add some extra tension and submission to sex but too many times I’ve genuinely struggled to breathe, and been unable to communicate that it’s too much, I usually ask they place their hands there and apply light pressure and let me act it out, mimic choking noises and act breathless.

If they disagree, they’re likely getting off on the pain they seem to be causing than the choking itself. I feel like it’s best to be choked by someone you trust and know well, or have discussed it beforehand and don’t feel any shame or like you’re ‘not kinky’ for not being into it. There are many other things to squeeze, tug and pull.

Mia*, 27, she/her

Okay, so I have been on both sides – being choked and doing the choking. And it has always been consensual. I will say that I have tried to enjoy it – the being choked – but I just don’t. I find it uncomfortable and stressful. I can’t concentrate on my pleasure. But I do really like to do the choking. That’s really fun, it’s great when they really enjoy it.

I found myself sorta surprised at how much my male partner enjoyed it when I choked him. I think usually that’s sorta taboo for hetero guys. Maybe more people need to give it a go and also be more comfortable saying when they’re not enjoying it.

Marla*, 24, she/her

I have been doing it during sex since my mid-teens when I started having sex. As a young woman having sex with men, I have had it ingrained into me since then that roughness correlates directly to sexual passion. Do I agree with that sentiment as I have gotten older? Less and less – I have woken up to how the violent nature of being choked isn’t generally something women are the ones to instigate unless to please a partner. Not to mention I’m not entirely sure I even enjoy it.

Jocelyn*, 24, she/her

I like light pressure on the sides of my throat or even someone’s arm over my neck or upper chest. Something about the idea of being overpowered is sexy to me, I don’t know why (I’m a feminist!). I’ve had partners (well-meaning, trying to do what I liked) take choking too far in the moment. I think it’s so influenced by porn, and I’m scared about the idea of men getting off on abusing women.

I like being choked by my partner but if I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, I would never let someone choke me during sex. A sexual fantasy does not equal literal wish fulfilment. I like being overpowered and choked during sex, but that fantasy exists only in that realm — in everyday life, I value my own power and autonomy.

[If you feel similarly, you should] watch the video by Contrapoints on Twilight. She explains the idea of fantasy vs wish fulfilment super well and it helped me understand why I like being overpowered during sex!

Bri*, 35, she/her

I like the idea of it…. but each time I’ve been with someone they haven’t known how to do it correctly and end up hurting me or bruising me. I think it’s an incredibly unsafe and dangerous practice in the wrong hands. Having been choked by men, it feels like there’s a violent undertone that they actually just want to hurt me and not cause pleasure. Boys see it in porn and believe they can just be rough with women straight off the bat without consent or talking beforehand.

There’s a difference between strangling someone and putting slight pressure on the throat. I love the idea of… ‘pleasure in pain’ but I also fully stand for consent and the need to give pleasure and not just hurt someone because you want to. It’s terrifying how violent men are becoming towards sex since porn has become readily available minus the actual ‘how-tos’. There needs to be more education on pleasure and how to practice safe, pleasurable, consensual sex for all genders.

Ophelia*, 28, she/her

The first time it happened it was without my consent. He was apparently doing it because he thought his housemate might hear us. He just started doing it and it didn’t take long for me not to be able to breathe. I moved his hand off my neck and he apologised and explained, but then he kept doing it. I kind of ignored it at the time because I was very into him. But now I think about it, it was kind of an obvious sign that he had all sorts of issues to deal with and that he never would.

I wouldn’t consent to it in the future and if it happened again with another partner, I’d leave. I think the figures are only shocking to people who are maybe in a different age group. It’s clearly symptomatic of a much larger cultural problem in Australia with men and their treatment of women. [It’s] likely very influenced by the porn industry but unlikely to be challenged by Australian society and culture.

Rose*, 21, she/her

I’m heavily into it. However, there’s a line. It should be hot and sexy, I should never feel unsafe.

Mai*, 33, she/her

I’m not into it. I dabble in other BDSM kinks but have no desire to be choked. A few cis men have tried it during sex, always without a proper conversation. They’ve just started moving their hand closer to my neck and I’ve had to say no absolutely not.

I’ve also been involved in a convo with a group of guys where they’ve been talking about how hot it is and common in sex now. The convo felt ick. It definitely feels like something picked up from porn and not something discussed/understood by the broader population. I’d be very interested to know how many people are actually into it.

Lena*, 31, she/her

I used to really enjoy it when I was casually dating people, it felt hot and exciting. Now I’m with my long-term partner, I hate the thought of him choking me, sex is more gentle and about connection. I don’t like the idea of someone who loves me wanting to choke me and he feels the same way.

Bella*, 26, she/her

I’d say in recent times, most men put their hands around my throat during sex without having asked my permission. I’m talking about the first time we had sex too. I find it a major red flag. For me, it shows a lack of consideration and understanding of my/women’s pleasure, and rather a prioritisation of their self. Men should not go straight for the jugular, especially if they haven’t gained consent.

Carmen, 24, she/her

I enjoy it personally – however, I can’t remember the last time a man asked before he did it. I’ve had bad experiences where I’ve had to ask them to loosen up and they have, but it’s freaky that I’ve heard so many similar stories. Are they trying to kill us?

Gracie*, 24, she/her

I don’t mind it if it’s very soft, I have experienced it within a long-term relationship but wouldn’t do it regularly.

Ann*, 29, she/her

I’m very much into BDSM so I love the idea of being choked. However, I only engage in sexual activities with people I have built a foundation of trust with – no one-night stands. I think if that’s your kink, you still need to feel safe and it’s important to communicate prior. The only time I let my guard down was when I slept with a guy I’d known since I was 14… I decided to throw caution to the wind because I really liked him. I hadn’t communicated to him prior any of my kinks but when we were intimate he choked me, without permission.

… The assumption he made that he could do this to me without prior discussion and then commentating like he was giving himself a pat on the back made me feel really vulnerable and weird. It’s a funny thing because I love to relinquish control in the bedroom but only if I know there are boundaries and rules in place and we’ve discussed fantasies and kinks prior. Safe to say we’re not friends anymore… Communication is key.

*Names have been changed.