I’m 34 and not where my friends are, here’s how I stopped feeling bad about it

“You are the master of your own future. You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.”

Sometimes I feel like there’s one thing between me and my happiness: social media. One minute I’ll be perfectly happy, feeling free and like I’ve made very good life choices. The next, I’ll open up Instagram or TikTok or I’ll read some LinkedIn poem (seriously, why do people talk like that on a professional networking site?), and see someone much younger than me buying a multi-million dollar house.

The constant stream of people killing it always fizzles my ‘hey, I’m doing okay’ vibe. I find the social comparison to be one of the most corrosive aspects of our digital lives. We now compare our lives to hundreds of strangers on the internet every day. It’s exhausting.

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When I was a teenager, I had only one friend I compared myself to. She was thin and tall, which made me feel short and fat. Yes, it was a toxic thought, but she was only one person. I could manage one person. Now at 34 years old, I have thousands and thousands of people to compare myself to at the tip of my finger. Talk about toxic!

I’ve always felt like a square peg in a round hole. And for too long, I’ve been banging and banging, trying to jam that peg in the hole. From about 16 years old, I believed a successful future looked like getting a good education and a good job, working really, really hard, buying the biggest house you can afford, getting married in an expensive dress, having two-ish kids (while continuing to work hard), and buying a car with leather seats (weird one, I know).

My first job was very corporate, with very long hours. Finally, I could work really hard. Tick that one off the list! I stuck it out at that job for 15 miserable months before I just couldn’t fathom living the rest of my life like that. I didn’t know it back then, but my time is so precious to me, and I place a lot more than just monetary value on it.

But because I was so young then, I didn’t think, ‘Oh, maybe corporate life just isn’t for you’. I forged on as best I could. I’ve oscillated between corporate and freelance life ever since then, never able to fully commit to either. Anytime I step out on my own, managing my own time and choosing my own hours, I start to feel this intense guilt. ‘But I’m not doing what I should be doing’ – and so the cycle begins again. 

For the past couple of years, I’ve had to do a lot of soul-searching. I’m at the age where almost everyone is being promoted, buying a house, getting married and having babies. I actually don’t know how they juggle it all. I squirm at the thought of so much responsibility. I’m just not ready. 

It gets to me. I’m so behind. I’ve repeated that line so many times, it’s like my own personal meditation mantra. But here I am, still forging ahead with my corporate-free, childless, unmarried life. It hasn’t been easy.

I’ve tried to let go of the made-up societal expectations and timelines. Because they are made up. You are the master of your own future. You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. Here are some tools I use to get me back on my own path.

Define your core values, and stick by them

A couple of years ago, I did a personal values exercise – and it was a game changer. Now, when I’m stuck on a decision, I go back to my values. Your values might be different to your parents or your friends, so making decisions based on their values might not make you happy or fulfilled in the long run. 

You can Google ‘core values exercise’ and you’ll find a list of values to choose from. The way I did it was to think about the happiest and most fulfilled times in my life. Once I was in that headspace, I went through the list and wrote down everything that resonated with me.

Plan a little bit, but not obsessively

I don’t want to give the impression that following your own path means being completely reckless with no consideration for your future. A friend who also left the corporate world suggested planning backwards: work out what kind of life you want, and how much money you need, then design your work and income around that.

He actually downsized from a townhouse to an apartment, works three days a week and has never been happier. I have my savings ready to buy a modest apartment when I’m ready. When I’m freelancing and working fewer hours, I’m careful with what I spend.

I try to stick to my budget, but I’m not obsessive about it. Something else I did was freeze my eggs. Fertility is the one thing that does have a timeline, and I didn’t want to regret it later on.

Surround yourself with people who get you

A few years ago, I met a new friend while travelling. We instantly connected and I had this sense that she just got me. She had also quit a stressful corporate job and was focused on creating a more meaningful life. 

I suddenly realised I needed more people in my life who understand me. It’s taken some time, but now, I have five friends around the world who I check in with each week. None of us even live in the same city. We send voice notes back and forth, and I just nod my head in agreement with everything they say. They just get it!

The other day, I simply got a message saying, ‘Always here for a fellow life rebel’. It makes me feel understood and accepted. They’re like my own little digital community – and let me tell you, it’s about a million times better than scrolling through an Instagram feed.

This article was originally published on December 2, 2022.

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