Dee Salmin tackles modern dating and decentring men in her debut book

“I wanted to write something that would raise the bar for women in some way.”

Though it might come with the right intentions, most relationship advice you see typically doesn’t dedicate entire chapters to decentring men in your life. Or to going ‘boy sober’. Or to celebrate being alone. Unless the advice is coming from Dee Salmin.

Host and producer of Triple J’s The Hook Up, Dee’s debut book, It’s Not Love, Actually, is what she calls a modern dating bible “for anyone who’s done being played, patronised or told they’re too much”. Whether you’re happily single, deep in the trenches of dating apps, reeling from a breakdown or in a long-term relationship, the book unpacks the way the patriarchy has shaped our expectations about love, sex and dating.

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Rather than a few obligatory paragraphs, it directly tackles taboo topics, making the case that you can have a deeply rich, fulfilling life without a partner or the heteronormativity surrounding weddings. With chapters including ‘Are the straights okay?’ and ‘How to know if you’re settling’, the book blends Dee’s personal experiences (like how going boy sober ‘rewired’ her brain), with practical advice.

With the book officially landing in stores on April 30, we caught up with Dee ahead of her Melbourne Writers’ Festival panel to ask about her writing process and what’s on her bookshelf right now.

Fashion Journal: Hi Dee, congratulations on your debut release! When did the idea of It’s Not Love, Actually first come to you?

Dee: Thank you so much! I always knew I wanted to write something that would raise the bar for women in some way. But last year, the idea came to me properly at a yoga retreat in Thailand (crazy what a week off your phone can do to your brain). I came home and pitched the idea to Pan Macmillan and wrote my first draft in a couple of months. It really just poured out of me!

For those unfamiliar, what’s the elevator pitch?

It’s Not Love, Actually is a modern dating bible for anyone who’s done being played, patronised or told they’re ‘too much’. It’s a part memoir, part manifesto, part practical guide, where I unpack how the patriarchy has shaped our expectations around love, sex and relationships, and show you how to unlearn all that bullshit.

It’s a book for women who date men and are struggling with being single, having a shit time in dating, sick of low effort hook-up culture, bad sex, being ghosted, cheated on, dating apps and feeling like they have to shrink themselves in order to be loved. It’s also for women going through a breakup, dating someone new, or people in a long-term relationship who want to pause, reflect on their lives and think critically about what they want for their future.

 

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How did working on The Hook Up shape or inform this book? 

Working on The Hook Up has played a massive role in informing this book. It has been an absolute pleasure interviewing some of the greatest minds in the world about sex, love and relationships, as well as chatting to young people every week about their deepest secrets, their most vulnerable moments and what’s actually happening in their love lives.

From these conversations, I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that there’s a massive disconnect happening between men and women, and a real sense of heterofatalism. So many women are feeling frustrated and let down by dating men. But at the same time, there’s still a deep desire for connection, intimacy and life-changing love. I wanted to write a book that acknowledges these feelings and everything that’s happening in the world right now and helps women feel excited about being single.

The first section focuses on this, encouraging readers to embrace being single rather than viewing it as a temporary stage in life. Why was this important to you?

I’ve been single for most of my life and always felt like something was wrong with me and that I was ‘too much’. I read so many dating guides and books about how to get the guy and they always framed being single as this moment in your life that was temporary, or like a time in waiting before you finally met the love of your life. Which just made me feel so much worse.

There was never anything about how fucking incredible it is to be single, and how you can have the most beautiful, fulfilling and deeply rich life without a partner. Or anything about the fact that heterosexual women are actually happier and healthier without marriage.

Because of this, it was extremely important that if I was going to write a ‘dating guide’, instead of having a tiny chapter like most other books, I was going to focus a massive part of the book on being single, embracing it and unlearning all the bullshit we’ve been taught when it comes to love and relationships. Which is why I have a chapter on decentring men and going boy sober.

When you’ve grown up in a heteronormative world that has tied women’s worth to finding a partner, it’s important to take some time reflecting on that and trying to figure out what you actually want, rather than what you’ve been socially conditioned to want.

How did going boy sober help you?

It genuinely rewired my brain. Because I had all those feelings around being single, I was always messaging guys, swiping on apps, hooking up, or ‘seeing someone’. I was constantly chasing male validation and stuck in a pattern of dating guys who didn’t treat me very nicely. When Covid hit, I was forced to go into lockdown by myself. And what started as forced celibacy became a conscious choice.

It wasn’t called ‘boy sober’ at the time but I decided to spend a couple of years without sex, dating, or basically anything to do with men. It completely changed my life. I got to a place where I was so happy and content on my own that the idea of not having a partner in my future actually excited me.

You wrote further on in the book about using dating as a way to learn more about yourself. Can you unpack that a little, especially when dating is often positioned as finding ‘the one’?

I noticed from not only my own experience but from so many people around me, that when you date to try and find a partner or to get married, you’re more likely to rush the relationship and not take the time to really get to know the person or take the space to figure out if you actually even like them.

I’ve seen friends look past red flags, incompatibilities, misaligned values, or just the fact that the guy they’re dating low-key kinda sucks, just because they’re desperate to be in a relationship. When you date with the intention to meet new people, for new, exciting, fun and pleasurable experiences, to learn about other people, and yourself (your values, boundaries, what you want or don’t want), dating then becomes about adding value to your already incredible and fulfilling life, not about finding ‘the one’.

 

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What was your favourite chapter to write?

‘Are the straights okay?’ and ‘The heteronormativity of weddings’ were probably my favourite chapters to write. I had to cut so much of them down as well because I got so carried away writing it, it started becoming a whole book on its own. It’s my favourite section because firstly, I just love ranting in general and that part of the book was a massive rant and secondly, I don’t think we make fun of ‘straight culture’ enough. It’s massively cringe and embarrassing, and we should really judge ourselves more for it.

Which chapter was the most challenging?

Probably chapter eight, ‘Why do we date people who are bad for us?’ because I chose to write with vulnerability about my family. I really wanted to get that section right and not hurt the people I love. And chapter 19, ‘Sex happens to women’, again because I had to write personally and draw upon some sexual experiences that I had gone through that I’ve never spoken about before, but knew were important to write about.

Did you read any books while writing to help with research?

I’ve always been a massive reader, so It’s Not Love, Actually is very heavily referenced with all the research, and the best literature on dating, love, sex, relationships, self-help and feminism I’ve read over my lifetime. I reread a lot of bell hooks, Alain De Botton, Esther Perel, Nicole LePera and Emily Nagoski as I was writing.

On my bookshelf right now is Mad Mabel by Sally Hepworth (just finished, it was incredible!), my book club book, The Compound by Aisling Rawle and Periodic Bitch by Emma Hardy, who I’m interviewing next week for work.

You have a few book launch events and you’re speaking at the Melbourne Writers Festival. What’s your favourite part about going on tour?

Meeting people who tell me how much they relate to my book has been one of the most surreal and healing experiences. Especially the parts of the book that are really honest and raw. I wrote It’s Not Love, Actually for 17-year-old me as the dating guide I wish I’d read, so to hear people say they felt seen is such an incredible feeling.

Preorder your copy of It’s Not Love, Actually here.