Why am I so clingy in relationships? Here’s what a psychologist said

“Reassurance-seeking, while fine in theory, can take on a constant, desperate or demanding quality.”

Physical touch ranks high on my hierarchy of love languages. While some might limit the definition of physical touch to obvious acts like having sex, the subtle displays are often just as reassuring. Whether it’s helping your friend dye their hair or helping your partner get ready, showing physical affection that’s meaningful usually extends beyond the more obvious acts. 

Although people’s preferences differ, struggling to trust that your partner cares for you, without them verbally or physically reminding you, might mean you lack emotional permanence. Acknowledging this can be a blow to the ego, but understanding why you might require more attention than others shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

I spoke to Melbourne-based Clinical Psychologist Alice Hucker about recognising some of the more common signs of emotional impermanence, as well as useful techniques for dealing with it. 

Hi Alice. So, what is emotional impermanence?

Emotional impermanence is when somebody finds it really difficult to hold in mind the love and bond they have with someone when that person is not with them or actively reassuring them of their care. We can all feel sensitive to rejection at times, especially after an argument with a loved one, but for some people, this fear is near-constant and very overwhelming.

What are some common signs someone might struggle with emotional permanence? 

A common emotional sign is when someone [experiences] a lot of anxiety in relationships [and] anxiety about whether the person cares for them or not. This may come out as a lot of rumination or overthinking small details of the relationship. Another common sign is reassurance-seeking, and finding that reassurance – for example, a partner saying, “Of course I still love you” – just doesn’t stick for very long.

For others, the fear of rejection is so hard that they might find themselves with a trail of relationships they have ended early to get away from these terribly hard feelings. 

How does the constant need for affection or reassurance in relationships connect to emotional impermanence? 

Affection, reassuring words, touch, sex – these can all be things that a person who experiences emotional impermanence seeks… to try and deal with the intense anxiety. Now, these can all be important parts of successful relationships, of course, but it can feel like trying to fill up a bucket with holes in the bottom for some people.

Are there any factors or life events that can contribute to the development of emotional impermanence?

Yes, the experience of emotional impermanence, and attachment anxiety more generally, is often related to early childhood experiences. If young children experience emotional neglect or an inconsistent and confusing relationship with their primary caregivers, then unfortunately, this does not set them up with the secure foundations for easy-enough, balanced relationships in adulthood.

People with borderline personality disorder are particularly prone to emotional impermanence, and there is strong evidence that genetic factors also play a role in their sensitivity and intensity in relationships.

How does emotional impermanence affect our relationships with others, both romantically and non-romantically?

Emotional impermanence can lead to… reassurance-seeking behaviours and fearful-avoidant behaviours, like ending relationships prematurely. Reassurance-seeking, while fine in theory, can take on a constant, desperate or demanding quality due to the intensity of the fears of rejection, and this can be quite overwhelming for partners and friends.

Partners and friends can end up feeling confused and burnt out, especially if they don’t understand what is going on. It can also be very confusing and hurtful for people if relationships are abruptly ended, seemingly with no cause.

Are there strategies or techniques that individuals can use to cope with or manage emotional impermanence?

Strategies that can be helpful include both self-regulation strategies (things people can do on their own) and co-regulation strategies (getting help from others). Things people can do on their own include reading about attachment anxiety and gaining awareness of their patterns, and finding distress tolerance strategies that work for them, such as mindfulness or helpful distractions until intense feelings pass.

Co-regulation is when we respectfully get help from others. This could be through therapy, by communicating to the partner or friend about your feelings and patterns, or by talking to a trusted friend outside of the anxiety-provoking relationship.

For more on emotional permanence, try this.