“It’s super common”: Why you shouldn’t take erectile dysfunction personally

The not-so-hard truth.

I think for many of us who don’t have penises, they seem so straightforward – they’re either hard or they’re not. When someone’s turned on, it’s like a switch flicked up, and when they’re not, it’s down. It’s an open-shut case. But this way of thinking can end up causing us trouble in the bedroom when suddenly the guest of honour doesn’t show up to the party. 

Sex is vulnerable. No matter how confident you are, it can be hard not to take it personally when your partner can’t get it up. Of course, it’s always disappointing when your sexy plans have been foiled. But then the questions start swirling: is it me? Are they not attracted to me any more? Should I have shaved my legs for this? 

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According to Dr Marie Tudor, medical sexologist and sex therapist at Adelaide Sex Therapy, situations like this seem to be on the rise, especially for young people. Over the course of her three decades of work, she’s seen a growing number of men in their twenties and thirties losing confidence in their erections.

“Young men seem to be having more pressure sexually. It’s a trend,” she tells me. She theorises porn may be the culprit. “The ones that saw porn at the age of 10 or 12, they feel inadequate because they think their penises aren’t as big as they should be. They’re comparing themselves to porn men who have unusually big penises, or all the men are lasting for 20 minutes, and the average time for a man to last is generally four or five minutes.”

What’s more, Dr Marie says straight women – who likely grew up watching porn themselves – are now having higher expectations of their partner’s sexual prowess. “I’m not saying that’s bad, but if a man is dating a woman who wants someone with a strong erection and no problems, he lasts 10 minutes, 15 minutes, he’s just amazing in bed – if the man realizes she wants some amazing sex, then he feels pressured and he’ll get spooked. The erection can get the wobbles and disappear.”

Contrary to what one might initially think, Dr Marie says sometimes it can be easier for a person to get a hard-on for a hookup or one-night stand than for someone they really care about. 

“The more special she is to him, the more anxious he is and the more likely he is to lose the erection. Can you see how crazy that is?” she says. “A woman could even come to the conclusion that if he’s having an erection problem, perhaps it’s because she means a lot to him. That’s the better conclusion.”

If your partner is struggling to keep it up, Dr Marie explains the absolute worst thing you could do is start speaking from a place of insecurity and accusing them of not wanting you enough. “He’s already embarrassed. You know, sometimes they’re crying in my room, they’re so upset with themselves. It’s the most emasculating thing that men talk about.”

Instead, she recommends normalising the situation by saying something like “Don’t worry, it’s super common” and asking if you can lend a helping hand (or, uh, mouth). A sense of humour goes a long way, as does a vibrator. “Vibration will get a penis up and running again,” she says confidently.

But if the tricks aren’t working, it’s better to take a break and try again later. “If it doesn’t go right, you just think ‘Oh, well, it’s always next time’. Try not to make it a catastrophe.” For those having ongoing problems, Dr Marie suggests getting prescribed a medication like Viagra or Cialis.

Another component to consider is the penis owner’s state of mind. “Don’t try for intercourse when you’re fatigued or late at night, like not at two in the morning, not after five beers. You can have one or two drinks, but not after five or seven drinks,” she says.

At the end of the day, she tells me “A woman cannot know how aroused a man is just by the strength of his penis”. The girth and gusto of someone’s erection have more to do with themselves than whoever they’re with.

“See, if we reverse it, a man can’t give a woman an orgasm. Women can only orgasm by having the right things going on within their minds and bodies. A man can have the best technique in the world, do the right thing with a clitoris or whatever, or she can give him instructions, ‘Do this, do that’, but if she’s not really focusing in nicely, if she hasn’t learned how to orgasm, a man can’t give a woman an orgasm,” Dr Marie says.

“It’s the same thing. It’s not a woman that’s going to get a man super hard. It’s the man’s mind and body that’s got to be right. All the ducks have got to be lined up for you – not fatigued, not stressed, no sense of pressure to perform.”

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