An expat’s guide to making friends as an adult

“You’re just as much the chooser as the one being chosen.”

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not from Australia. The last city I lived in before Melbourne was New York. I used to model internationally. These facts about me appear so frequently in my articles, they almost feel like my defining personality traits (I swear they’re not!). I will, however, continue to milk these experiences for life lessons as long as I can.

Looking for more friendship advice? Try our Life section.

One of the many things I’ve learned from moving around is that making friends as an adult is not as easy as when you’re in school. Storming onto the scene of a different culture or language increases that difficulty tenfold. But just because something’s hard doesn’t mean it’s impossible. With eight years of making friends abroad under my belt, here are four techniques I’d recommend you try (don’t worry, ‘join a run club’ isn’t on the list).

Swipe right, swipe left

Bumble BFF is an app overflowing with other immigrants and expats. Yes, the thought of adding to the mix initially made me want to crawl out of my skin. Being single and on dating apps had never really seemed embarrassing to me, but advertising that I was in need of friends felt like a humiliation ritual. However, my solitude-induced boredom was far worse, so I did the unthinkable: downloaded Bumble BFF and started swiping away.  

I am so glad I did. The best friend I have here in Melbourne was once just another expat on the internet who sent me a “How’s your weekend?” message. We met up for Thai food and the rest was history. Our partners are good friends now. We’re planning to join our cats in holy matrimony. It’s truly friendship bliss. 

Allow me to share a few tips for getting your swipe on. First, be as selective as you would on Hinge. It can be tempting to swipe right on every profile in the name of being a girl’s girl, but you are realistically not going to mesh well with everyone. If you’re a homebody, the girlies looking for nights out at Revs may not be your perfect match – and that’s fine!

Second, swallow your pride and send the first message. I’ve been guilty of not doing this and I’m sure I’ve missed out on some really amazing friendships because of it. Finally, move the convo offline as soon as possible. No real connection can happen behind a screen. Intimidating though it may be, setting up a friendship date is the only way you’re going to make friends.

Werk, girl

I hope and pray that you have a lovely boss. But if you don’t, you’ve just stumbled upon a goldmine of potential friendships. There is no sweeter, more universal bond than that formed over a mutual hatred of your capitalist oppressor. Gossip is an international language. The closest friends I made while modelling in Europe were those whose runway walk was also ridiculed by an Italian designer who shall remain nameless. The rants that followed are ones we still indulge in to this day.

Even if you’ve been blessed with a great supervisor (hey, Fashion Journal editors), the workplace can still be ground zero for best-friendship. The challenge, of course, depends on the industry you’re in. The level of professionalism expected at your workplace can determine the height of the walls your colleagues build around their personal lives. But wherever there are people, new friendships can blossom.

Once you’ve gotten a gut feel for who you may click with after hours, test the waters with an invite for lunch or coffee. If all goes well after two or three workday chats, it’s time to take things to the next level. The first few outside-work hangs can feel a bit awkward, maybe even uncomfortably vulnerable, but being open about who you are beyond your work is the cost of making a colleague a friend. It’s wise to be cautious (maybe don’t get blackout drunk together immediately), but you can’t be closed off.

Follow for follow?

In every country, you’ll find that most people are as addicted to their phones as the people back home, which is excellent news for the friendless. Social media is like a cheat code for friendship.

Despite my mixed feelings about social media, I’ve made an absurd amount of friends online while living overseas. Most of them have admittedly been friends for a season – there for a summer in Paris or a month in Sydney, then fading quietly into my memories. And honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Still, the friends I’ve met from replying to an Instagram story or responding to a ludicrously enthusiastic comment have sometimes become my family.

Meet someone cool at yoga class? Ask for their social handles. See someone cool on your explore feed? Give them a follow. Find out a friend of a friend has followed you? Send them a message. If they’re not interested in being your friend, you can always block them and pretend it never happened.    

Be the chooser

My therapist often reminds me that the key to staying sane when entering new relationships (whether romantic, professional or platonic) is to remember that you are just as much the chooser as the one being chosen. When you move to a new city, a new country or a new continent, the initial loneliness can easily lead to desperation. The desperation can, in turn, lead to accepting mistreatment. 

The first girl I befriended when I moved to Melbourne, a fellow foreigner, told me that I only ‘got away with being so weird’ because I was pretty. And while she may have clocked my tea, it was abundantly clear that she didn’t like my personality or much else about me. She was just as lonely as I was, so she was willing to tolerate our incompatibility. 

We drifted apart, as two very different people inevitably would. Since then, I’ve become much pickier about who I call a friend. Not because I’m snobby or judgmental, but because I don’t want my friendships to be just a remedy to the loneliness of living overseas. I want them to matter. I want them to last.

For more on making friends as an adult, head here.