Financial security or struggling artist? FJ readers on how money impacts their choice in partner

“Thanks to them, I got free housing for a couple of months during a cost-of-living crisis.”

Surely by now we’ve all seen Materialists. If you managed to look past the perfection that was Dakota Johnson’s fringe, then you probably clocked that money and income were a major part of the plot line. Lucy (Johnson) is a professional New York City matchmaker who finds herself torn between the wealthy, perfect-on-paper Harry (Pedro Pascal) and her artistic, financially struggling ex-boyfriend, John (Chris Evans).

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Spoiler alert, she winds up choosing John, sparking heated debates online about whether the film is peddling ‘broke boy propaganda‘. It’s since become a topic of conversation in the FJ office: would you choose money or chemistry in a partner? Or, better yet, have you ever chosen to stay with someone, or leave a relationship, because of their income? Naturally, to satiate our curiosity, we put the call out to our readers.

Jasmine*, 33, she/her

Money wasn’t originally that important to me in a relationship, though now it is. I left my ex because he earned a great salary but was totally unruly with his spending and I woke up to all our accounts emptied, including our house deposit. Eventually, I had to leave. The stress was killing me, and he spent everything I had and put me into debt.

Because of my ex-partner bankrupting me, I now have completely different expectations in relationships. I care deeply about their money habits and mental stability because, as I learned, you can’t out-earn terrible money habits. So I want a person with money but more importantly long-term vision to go with it.

Mon*, 27, she/her

I have delayed breaking up with my partner because of money. I moved overseas to be with them – I had a great job and great friends in Australia and gave that all up to be with him and try and build my career internationally. After I moved, I found out he was cheating on me. I wanted to break up but I couldn’t afford to keep living overseas without him.

We stayed together for a while but once I was financially independent, I ended things. I don’t regret doing it that way. I was very fragile when I found out he was cheating on me so staying allowed me the time to forgive him but ultimately leave with clarity and with a plan for myself.

Steph*, 31, she/her

Money is important to me in a partner. I feel like they need to be motivated and reliable to at least sustain themselves or have goals in place. When I was unsure about my partner in the early stages, knowing he would get help for our first home deposit helped convince me to stay with him and build a financial future together.

Kita*, 27, she/her

I’ve dated men on both ends of the spectrum. There was the broke, artsy musician who insisted we split a meal every time we went out, and the wealthy business owner who flew me overseas and booked the most expensive hotels for special occasions. The musician had amazing chemistry but zero stability. The businessman…. honestly, I dated him because he had money. I felt financially taken care of but the spark was missing. I could barely look at him during intimate moments.

What I’ve learned is that, if I had to choose, I’ll take financial security over the struggling artist type any day. I’m older, wiser, and much clearer about what I want. Stability and generosity matter more to me than ‘suffering for love’. If I need emotional depth, I’ve got my girlfriends but in relationships, I lean towards the money type.

Carla*, 22, she/her

It’s important to me that my partner is are financially independent and can manage their own finances – whether they are ‘rich’ or not doesn’t bother me. I almost broke up with my current boyfriend due to how much money he earns. He’s 25 and still lives at home with his mum. He’s never had to pay a single cent in rent or has had to put money towards household groceries. On the nights he is home, his mum will cook and clean up for him.

I’m 22 and have been living out of home since I was 18 and have had to pay for rent, bills and food on a hospitality wage. He, however will never know what it’s like to go through financial hardship because he will have enough money soon to be able to put a down payment on an apartment. I’m worried that him being fed everything on a silver platter (due to his privilege) means that he will never fully be able to relate to me. I’m scared that his upbringing has made him into a spoilt brat.

I know if I stay with him that I will never experience financial hardship again but do I really want to be with someone that has been babied for most of his life? What happens if we end up moving out together and he never cooks or cleans? What if we have kids and he wants to send them to private schools? What if this cycle of wealth repeats itself and our children end up exactly like him?

Frankie*, 30, she/her

My partner must be equally independent as me. I don’t really care about assets but we need to be able to split things 50/50.  I’m a tough lady but sometimes I like to imagine my other half being able to pamper me a bit. However, I’ve stayed with my partner when he was in finance and earned a lot, and still after he decided to start his own business, with no consistent income.

Fay*, 23, she/her

I do think about money constantly but I never look for partners based on their financial situation. However in saying that, I did stay with someone because of how much they earned. I had just left my family home and was working a job that paid hardly any money for me to survive on my own, so I stayed at my partner’s apartment.

Before I’d even moved in, I had fallen out of love with them. However, they were making six figures, so I thought I’d ride it out while trying to find a place of my own. Finally after six months, I got myself settled and a week later broke up with them. Thanks to them, I got free housing for a couple of months during a cost-of-living crisis.

Divya*, 26, she/her

I’m in a six-year-long term relationship and every now and again, when I get those niggling feelings that the grass is greener. But having financial stability with him and knowing an even bigger inheritance is on the horizon definitely helps quell any doubt that comes up and makes day-to-day life easier, as we know we don’t have to worry too hard about the future. In saying that, we work hard and save but there’s a huge safety net I wouldn’t have if I weren’t with him.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

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