What to know before having your first threesome

There’s no strict dynamic when it comes to a ménage à trois.

Threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies. Whether for couples or individuals, the allure of adding a third person to the mix often comes down to curiosity.

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For people in heterosexual relationships, they can also be a safe way to explore bisexuality or bicuriosity within the boundaries of an existing relationship, explains somatic sexologist and therapist Alice Child. “Navigating open relationships or new experiences like a threesome requires really great communication, from all three people,” she says.

But turning the fantasy into reality isn’t always straightforward. It’s not as simple as finding one or two other people DTF. Whether you’re a couple looking to add a third, or an individual hoping to explore, Alice and Aleks break down what you need to know before having your first threesome.

What couples should know before engaging in a threesome

There’s no strict dynamic when it comes to a ménage à trois – it can involve a couple, friends or even strangers. However, if you’re coming at it from a relationship, ensure you have a thorough chat about boundaries long before things get steamy. “While you can never ‘plan’ exactly how your first threesome will go, the more you communicate and prepare beforehand, the more fun you will all have,” says Alice.

Consent, before, during and after, is vital. If your partner is the one pushing for a threesome and you’re apprehensive, don’t do it. “Never have a threesome for the sake of a relationship, to save it, or to cater to someone else’s needs,” adds Aleks.

Next, you need to get comfortable talking about sex. If one or both of you struggle to voice your desires, pause and discuss it with each other before inviting in a third person. “Try explaining why exactly it would be hot for you to watch them to flirt, kiss or have sex with someone else,” suggests Alice. “Then also practice sharing your boundaries. What would you be less comfortable with? What don’t you want?”

From there, it can be worth exploring the idea in fantasy first, and then turning the dial up. This might involve watching group sex via a porn site together, going to a strip club, kissing someone else in front of each other or signing up for an ethical non-monogamy dating app.

The age-old question of seeking out a third as a couple: do you find a stranger? Or do you turn to a friend?

“Both are good strategies,” says Aleks. Ultimately though, it depends on the couple. “Some people have friends who are willing and able to explore a threesome without things getting emotionally complex. Others don’t.”

If you fall in the latter category, seeking out a stranger might be best. Always be mindful to avoid viewing the third person simply as an object or projection of your sexual desires. “They have their own boundaries, emotions and desires, too,” Alice cautions.

If that feels too overwhelming or difficult to navigate, Aleks suggests turning to a sex worker. “They are professionals and will have all the communication skills necessary to help couples navigate a threesome to their satisfaction.”

What to consider as an individual

If you’re an individual seeking out a threesome, both sex therapists recommend trying apps like Hinge, Tinder, Feeld, RedHotPie and Fetlife – there’s no shortage.

“The important thing to consider as an individual seeking a threesome with a couple, is the power dynamics do differ when you enter the dyadic space of another person’s relationship, and to be really comfortable communicating your boundaries,” Alice says.

Having safe sex in a threesome

In addition to consent and good communication, the next thing to consider is safe sex practices. Always, always get clear and confident on what will help you to feel safest.

“You need to consider asking for people’s sexual health status and history,” Aleks says. “You need to be ready to show your own sexual health test results. You can consider whether the exchange of bodily fluids is something you feel comfortable with, and ask your partners about their boundaries too.”

While a martini to loosen up might sound nice, Alice’s tip is to abstain from drinking, as it’s impossible to safely give consent when you’re intoxicated. As it’s normal to feel nervous, try to get out of your head and into your body, tuning into what feels great and taking deep breaths. “Expect the unexpected,” Alice adds. “Even if you’ve spoken about everything, surprises might still happen.”

Aftercare 101

While it’s essential to seek consent and communicate before and during any sexual acts, it’s just as important to check in afterwards, too.

Non-sexual aftercare rituals can include showering together, cuddling and debriefing. Doing this goes a long way in making sure each person feels comfortable and cared for throughout the entire process.

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