What makes someone a good kisser? I consulted the experts

Welcome to Makeout 101.

I’m in my kissing era. The idea of casual sex has lost its appeal to me lately, but there’s something about kissing I just can’t give up – which means at the end of a Saturday night there’s usually a chance that someone at the bar will be wiping my lipgloss off of their mouth.

And although this kissing-only philosophy has resulted in a few frustrated gentlemen, I don’t really feel bad about it. There’s a lot to be learned from a kiss. It’s usually the first point of connection; a moment of sweetness that can potentially turn your relationship in a romantic direction. 

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Because of this, the quality of a kiss is of high importance. I’ve discussed this with the girlies and it seems most of us can agree that if someone’s not good at kissing, there’s a slim chance they’re going to get much further. 

This got me thinking. With all the different tastes and proclivities out there, what actually makes a good kiss? To get to the bottom of it, I spoke with intimacy coach Rebel Glea and sex coach Cam Fraser.

Right off the bat, Rebel affirmed my original theory. “In my opinion, if they can’t connect with you via kissing, get on your same page and both enjoy that, then really… I can’t believe they’re going to be good at intercourse,” she says.

Once, she had a client who was bringing a woman back to his place, but when they kissed in the car, she changed her mind. “I was like ‘Well, what did you do?’,” she tells me. “And he said, ‘I just put my tongue in’. I said, ‘No, no, no!’.”

Rebel says she feels that people are changing the way they kiss these days, which could be a result of dating app culture and online porn. She thinks kissing is becoming rougher and more aggressive. As a victim of pokey tongues and lip biting that leaves bruises the next day, I can relate to that.

Her best advice for those looking to improve their kissing (and sex in general) is to “drop-in”. By this, she means to slow it down, bring yourself into the present moment and become aware of your partner’s body language. She recommends focusing on all the senses – the way your partner smells, the way they taste, the way they feel. 

“Savouring the kiss would be a little trick so that you’re not just throwing your lips everywhere,” she says. “You’ve got to tease and you’ve got to play and be soft because it’s almost an anticipation of what you’re going to do with the lips downstairs [if you’re a vulva owner].”

Cam agrees that listening to your partner’s desires is a surefire way to get better at kissing. “I often reframe the golden rule which is [to] treat others how you wish to be treated. Well, in a sexual setting, it’s treating others not how you wish to be treated, but how they wish to be treated, right?” he says.

Being able to understand your partner’s needs and fulfil them is, of course, the key to a good sex life and a happy relationship. But I wanted to know more. How do you kiss someone in a way that’ll ruin their life in a good way? What kind of tricks can you spring on them that will have them staring at the ceiling at night, unable to get you out of their head?

Cam’s advice for elevating your makeout game is to incorporate temperature play. “You could put some ice cubes in your mouth for a couple of minutes or a couple of seconds beforehand,” he says. “Or you could have a big gulp of warm tea, maybe like a mint tea or something that has a really beautiful floral fragrance to it and then go into kissing after that.”

Hygiene can also be the difference between a tantalising moment and an icky disaster. If you think about it, kissing is kind of weird. Putting your mouth on someone else’s mouth would be gross if it wasn’t so hot and fun. Making sure you’ve got your oral affairs in order before you get down to business is common decency.

Cam suggests tongue scraping and carrying a pocket-sized mouthwash for an on-the-go swish. He uses a scented beard oil which his wife loves, which he says is a good trick for those with facial hair. He recommends against bright lip products if you know you’re in for a steamy, drawn-out makeout session. Memories of accidentally wearing some of his ex’s lipstick after an intimate moment still haunt him.

Once you have all of the preparation under control, it’s really just about connecting, doing what feels right and trying not to overthink it. A kiss can be a million things – from sensitive to downright sloppy – which is why, in my opinion, it never gets boring. “I’m all about cultivating a diverse array of pleasure,” says Cam.

For more kissing advice, try this.