How to ruin a job interview using fashion

And fashion alone.

We all know the stress that comes with job hunting.

You’ve got to write a cover letter, apply for the role, wait for a response and, if you’re lucky, throw yourself together and attend an interview (a hard task if you’ve been lounging in Mamee Noodle-stained sweatpants for the last week).

Can’t we just live in the Mamee Noodle hellscape we know and love? Why must we be a hardworking, tax-paying, stand-up member of society? It’s not like it’s crazy fulfilling or anything.

Instead I say screw the ability to pay for food, drinks and the occasional new outfit. Rent an apartment? Nah. Travel the world? Get out of here.

For those keen on a life with Netflix, Chill and Unpaid Bills, here’s our step-by-step guide for totally destroying a job interview using fashion.

Step one: Footwear

Anyone who’s ever attempted an overseas trip with anything less than the sturdiest of shoes knows the importance of footwear (so many regret-shaped blisters).

But you’re attending a job interview for a job you don’t want. So let’s throw all that pesky, hard-earned common sense out the window with a sketchy ballet flat.

They may have been smouldering away in the dank pit of your wardrobe but by wearing ballet flats, you’ll show the world you’re frugal, fungal and afraid to make noise when you walk.

If anyone asks, you chose these flats in the hope an employer would revel in finding someone who also rejects socks and foot deodorisers, and is willing to ignore smells, sounds and all manner of atrocities in the name of capitalism. Or, you know, barf.

Step two: Pants and skirts

If you’re not shopping in the business-casual section of Target, you’re doing something wrong. Everyone knows the only ‘acceptable’ office wear is located in a fluorescent wasteland, so hop to it.

Give off the impression that you have no idea what you’re doing by donning a high-waisted skirt or trousers that a) entirely remove your knees from existence or b) entirely remove your booty from existence. We can guarantee no one will question your interpersonal skills after seeing that. In fact, they won’t want to.

Bonus: show your employer you’re totally lacking in self-awareness by refusing to hem or tailor your pants to the correct length.

Step three: Blouse

Let’s be honest, you probably only own one or two tops that could be considered a ‘blouse’ (and one of those looks like a Johnny Depp masterpiece). Your Interview Blouse should be buttoned, juuuussst reach your hips and remind you of your first uniform at Coles.

Your blouse should scream, “I’m professional and a semi-competent worker but won’t do anything menial.” If it looks like a ’90s infomercial or as if you’ve been rescued from a religious sect, you’re onto a winner.

Step four: Hair and makeup

If you’re not wearing a sock bun, what are you doing with your life? Do you even have French tip nails on right now? It’s like you almost want to be a slave to The Man.

Makeup should be subdued but with a bold, bright lipstick you’ve never worn before. After all, a first meeting with a stranger is the perfect time to take it for a spin. How have you never worn brown lip liner until today? Travesty. This bold move is reminiscent of Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Miley Cyrus and is sure to get your interview over and done with, tout de suite.

Step five: Accessories

Chipped nail polish tells the world one of two things. Firstly, your life is busy and you literally don’t have 30 seconds to fix those wayward digits (inspirational) or secondly, that you lack the attention to detail of a small child.

Toting a fading club stamp from a rager of a weekend is another stellar move; you’re showing everyone that you play as hard as you work. If you rock up with an obvious hangover, some bacon and egg ’tween your teeth or heck, still a little drunk, you must be a super hard worker… right?

Illustration by Twylamae.