This is why it’s okay to feel jealous of other people’s friendship groups

“My feed is filled with friends in matching outfits, friends doing dances together and friends calling each other ‘soulmates’.”

Last week, I caught up with a friend for dinner. We went to a really aesthetically pleasing restaurant, ate a delicious meal, drank a little too much wine and staggered home. It was a great night but I can remember thinking as I climbed into bed, “I should have posted about that!”.

After all, this fabulous night happened on Wednesday, which isn’t my usual routine. Usually, Wednesdays are reserved for watching Netflix with my dog and boyfriend in a stained baggy T-shirt. Perhaps eating some microwaved popcorn or doing a cheapie facemask I picked up at Woolworths to spice up my night.

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You see, Wednesday was an opportunity to remind everyone that I have a blossoming social life. Because while I’m not a social media influencer by any stretch of the imagination, I often worry that my content from Monday to Friday is a little dry. I don’t want to seem dull or friendless, and my social feed always makes me feel like everyone has more. More money, more friends, more clothes, more success… just more.

But the friendship thing feels like a particular sore point. I grew up watching Friends and Sex and the City, and I’ve always wanted that kind of tight-knit friendship circle. Now I’m past my early 20s, and everyone has jobs, partners and other commitments, and those shows are beginning to seem more and more fictionalised.

Who doesn’t have to spend Christmas with their family? And how do you meet up in the daytime for lunch so much? Don’t you have jobs? TV friendships seem unrealistic and unobtainable. Until I go on Instagram.

Platforms like Instagram create a hyper sleek version of friendships. My feed is filled with friends in matching outfits, friends doing dances together, friends calling each other ‘soulmates’ and friends basically showing me a version of friendship that I really did only think existed in sitcoms.

Of course, I have friends. Good, kind, loving friends but our lives have moved on from spending every waking minute together to fortnightly dinner catchups. We spend less time documenting our friendships and more time just enjoying the moment. So when I see this many people advertising their picture-perfect friendships online, or I see a brunch consisting of over 10 people, it makes me wonder.

Am I missing out? Should I have more friends? Why am I not creating content from my friendships? Is it because my friendships are more genuine, or is convincing a friend to do a TikTok together a true sign of intimacy?

Of course, it’s comforting to know these kinds of feelings are normal. As psychotherapist Amber Rules tells me, “Feeling any kind of envy is a normal part of the human experience. We can feel envy about anything that’s important to us or that we care about, so feeling concerned you don’t have enough friends or being envious of other people’s friends is normal.”

Basically, the fact that I feel envious of the friendships I see online is almost to be expected. Of course, this makes even more sense to me when I consider my own posting habits. Whenever I post with mates, I post them because I think it highlights how close our friendship is.

Sometimes, I’ll post a photo of a friend and me at brunch and then go home to my boyfriend and complain that she’s now joined a pyramid scheme and has become one of those people that doesn’t wear colours her boyfriend doesn’t like. So it really is all fictionalised. A perfect Instagram snap isn’t an indication of a perfect friendship.

So if it’s normal to feel envy, how do you actually cope with it? “The important thing is what you do with it; without invalidating your feelings, try and reality check the feeling. For example, can you believe everything you see on social media? Is it realistic that everyone has amazing friendships all the time? Is what you’re seeing an accurate portrayal of a person’s life?” Amber explains.

I suppose the truth about friendship envy is that it’s a universal feeling compounded by social media. Still, while it’s comforting to understand why I feel this way, I’m not sure I’m ever going to feel like I’m killing it in the friend department.

But I think that’s because social media has created what really is a virtual reality, and perhaps it’s too late to fight against social media. Still, it probably isn’t too late to focus on what is real. I had a lovely dinner on Wednesday with a friend, and that is enough.

This article was originally published on February 22, 2022.

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