I asked a sex coach to interpret some of the most common sex dreams

“It’s just our brain and imagination going to wild places.”

Let’s face it, sex dreams can be plain awkward. These erotic fantasies can leave us feeling hot and bothered – and wanting more. Otherwise, they wake us up with a serious reason for concern and some unanswered questions (thanks to some surprising bedroom guests or scenarios…).

Does dreaming about someone else mean you’re no longer in a loving, committed relationship with your partner? Is your sex dream some sort of call to a sexual awakening? This might not be a conversation you feel comfortable bringing to just anyone.

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So, I reached out to Sydney-based somatic sex and relationship coach, Georgia Grace for some insight on the matter of frisky business in dreamland. Here, she explains why these dreams occur and what the meanings behind the most common themes are.

Why do we have sex dreams?

Why do we dream about anything, really? A lot of the time, my clients will share interesting dreams that they’ve had, and then they will come to their own conclusions about it. It could be something that they’re really wanting to try, it could be something that’s front of mind or it could also be a fear that has been plaguing their relationship that manifests as a nightmare.

There are so many reasons as to why we have dreams and what our dreams mean. I think that sometimes we can trace it back to something that we’ve been thinking about or something that’s been on our minds. But just like any dream we have, sometimes it just makes no sense to us. It’s just our brain and imagination going to wild places. 

Do men and women experience sex dreams differently?

Perhaps the way that they experience pleasure might be different… but the more I work in this space, the more I’m noticing there are listings that divide sex and gender, and more things that actually are really similar. It may be experienced differently in the way that their genitals respond, but there are fewer distinctions between biological sex than I think we’ve all been told our whole lives.

Is it something we should feel embarrassed about?

I think it can feel embarrassing, especially if your sex dream is about someone that you do not want to have sex with. It could be inappropriate or [you realise] when you’re awake, you really don’t find them attractive. Or, it reveals something about sex, sexuality, your desires and fantasies that you haven’t fully allowed yourself to experience because you’re experiencing shame around it. 

A lot of people do get embarrassed by their sex dreams, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I say necessarily because, for some people, it does mean something. It gives them insight into what they’re wanting or what they’re curious about. For others, it may just be a sex dream and they may have experienced arousal. 

One thing worth noting is that it can be even more confusing if they’ve had an orgasm from this dream. We know about wet dreams… but people with vulvas can also have orgasms while they’re asleep. It might be because of the bedding rubbing genitals, it might just be arousal or it might be a stimulating dream. But it can feel really confusing, embarrassing or conflicting to have an orgasm in a sex dream, especially if you’re dreaming about someone who you don’t want to or you shouldn’t be having sex with in real life.

Should we act on these sex dreams?

For anyone where it’s on their mind… and it feels positive, exciting and pleasurable, and they’re really curious about it, then sure. Maybe your dreams have given you an insight into something that you’re wanting. But just because you’ve had a sex dream about it doesn’t mean that you have to act upon it. 

… And no, you don’t have to do anything with your sex dream, it can just be the fact that you were in a deep sleep and your mind got playful. Try not to get too prescriptive in what your dreams mean about who you are as a sexual person.

Interpreting the most common sex dreams

Sex with an ex?

It could mean so much. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get back with them. Or, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it was the best sex of your life. It could just be the fact that you have been thinking about them. And you’ve probably done a lot of processing around them and they’ve been on your mind. And maybe you do miss them and long for them. But it doesn’t necessarily mean there needs to be an action that follows.

Sex dream with your boss or someone considered ‘untouchable’?

This, again, can come down to your attraction towards them. I think a lot of the time when we’re looking at the workplace, you can feel attraction to people in your workplace when you are spending a lot of time with them. There’s also that sense of the forbidden because you’re not supposed to hook up with any of your colleagues, and that can make it feel a little bit naughty or like you’re playing with fire.

But again, what does it mean? It might mean you’re attracted to them [or] it might mean that you spent the day with them and your mind has been wandering. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to [sleep with] them. 

Sexual practices you’ve never tried before?

This could be sparked by something that you’ve heard or something that you’ve read. It might also be the fact that a lot of the time, our brains do think about things that we know we never want to do. It might just be that our mind is wandering to that sort of imagination. 

It might be the fact that you don’t often experience it and you want more of it. With oral sex, for example, you may be longing to have someone go down on you, or any form of power dynamics… [With my clients,] I want to try and alleviate some stress, pressure, anxiety and nervousness, [and] instead bring it back to being curious.

…We might even do this process called phenomenological description where we’ll do it play-by-play with every single detail about this dream. They’ll talk me through it, they’ll let me know who was in it, the time of day, what it looked like and how they felt. Then we can get a little bit clearer on the dream and it can help them process it. I always opt for being curious, over being judgmental.

Sex with someone else while you’re in a relationship?

This is really common too. As individuals in relationships, it is very common to feel sexual, romantic or intimate attraction to another person. This is why some people are open in their relationship style, but some people will just acknowledge that’s a human thing to experience and not need to do anything with it. 

We as human beings can and will experience attraction to others throughout our whole lives. It is more common than it is rare. It doesn’t mean that you need to go and sleep with this person or they’re the love of your life or you should be having sex with them over your partner. Absolutely not. 

It might just mean that you’re a human being. It might not even mean that you’re in a different stage of your relationship. I think some people may suggest that if you’re having a sex dream about your partner, then maybe you’re not fulfilled in your sexual relationship. But it doesn’t mean that either. It just might be the fact that you had a dream about someone else.

How can someone bring up a sex dream with their partner?

That’s a pretty fun conversation to have. I think it might even be like ‘Oh, my gosh, it’s so interesting, I had this dream last night where we were doing this thing. I know we’ve never done it before and I didn’t even think that I’d want to do it. But now it’s been on my mind and I’m really curious about trying these with you. How would you feel about it?’. 

Maybe this dream has sparked an idea, an impulse, or something that you’re wanting to try. Perhaps the first step is doing your own research into it. What does it look like? Would I want it to be exactly what it was in the dream? Do I want to add anything or change anything? What do I need to feel safe? What information do I need to make this feel great?  Then bring that to your relationship and see if they’re into it too.

To find out more about Georgia’s services, head here.