Is there a right time to move in with your romantic partner?

“Your lifestyles outside of the relationship need to be rich, healthy and thriving to ensure a smooth transition.”

If you have the means and the interest, it’s almost a rite of passage to move in with some perfect strangers or good mates in your twenties. We all picture the Dolly Alderton-esque setup: a dilapidated sharehouse with viable dance floor square footage and a few silly friends living their best lives. 

But what happens when that time is up? You could rent solo, move on to a new crew of roommates, travel the world or save up for a deposit. Or, you could suddenly meet someone who completely obliterates any sort of loose plans. You could enter a romantic relationship that subconsciously shifts your thoughts of the future in all manner of ways.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

For the sake of this piece, we’re talking about the almighty ‘moving in together’ prospect. I’ve watched close friends move in with their significant others at various stages in the relationship. Some have been in earlier days than others, with different living arrangements.

For example, a couple could be both renting with housemates when they cross paths, while another could involve one person having a mortgage and the other happily in their renting era. It has worked spectacularly for some couples and resulted in road bumps for others. 

The general consensus I’ve heard is that your lifestyles outside of the relationship need to be rich, healthy and thriving to ensure a smooth transition. Both partners should equally love coming home together some days or nights, and find joy in their work and play outside of the home.

The idea of moving in together means you can relish couch time, dinners, and the fabulous minutiae of life together. But it also means you may occasionally want alone time, or get grumpy at your partner for not cleaning up. It could remove the element of regularly ‘missing’ someone for a night or so – one of the greatest propellers of love and longing, especially in the early days. 

It goes without saying that there are no rules when it comes to the ‘move-in’ part of a relationship. I’m sorry if you read this article hoping for a guideline, checklist and timeframe. It’s something – like saying ‘I love you’ – that is personal to each relationship and depends on so many variables.

Are you both emotionally ready for living together? Are there future travel plans, lease dates or fellow housemates to consider in these potential plans? What will it mean for the two of you financially? Why rush now when you have (hopefully) a lifetime ahead? Alternatively, why wait at all if the feeling’s right?

I’ve been in a relationship for just over a year now, with a partner who has a mortgage. I have moved back home by the beach to live with my mum after a year of riotous renting on Swan Street in Richmond. Very conveniently, my boyfriend lives two minutes from my home. It’s a dream setup for right now, as I split my time between two local quarters, and stay the occasional night with girlfriends in town for work/fun purposes. 

We’ve fallen into a routine of sorts. We take turns shopping for food and cooking for each other at his home. I occasionally spruik the place with boujée Byredo candles and thrifted glassware and scattered contact lenses, but I wholeheartedly respect the boundaries we have in place.

I know we’re both working towards a move-in sometime soon-ish, but I think it’s important not to ‘rush’ or glorify joint dwellings too early on. My ethos is, while shared living isn’t crucial, to enjoy the process and embrace time apart. 

I caught up with Clinical Psychologist and Headspace App Mental Health Expert Mary Spillane to gain some unbiased (and credible) perspective on the topic. Hopefully, this sage advice might help a few of you navigate the road to moving in. Or maybe you’ll change your mind every week like I do!

What are some important things to consider before moving in together?

Finances

Money can put stress on a relationship when you move in with a partner. Discuss attitudes towards money, how bills will be paid, who will buy groceries, etc.  

Challenges

If you’re anticipating any issues arising, it is good to chat about how these will be addressed prior to moving in together. It’s also useful to talk about how you manage stress.  

Household chores

Discuss how you like to live, the level of cleanliness/tidiness expected, and how you will split household chores.

How long should you wait?

This is very individual and there is no set timeframe. Discuss your and your partner’s readiness to move in, and what would need to happen to get to a point where you were comfortable moving in together.  

How do you navigate money?

Communication is key, so start by discussing attitudes towards money, including spending and saving. Discuss financial goals, for the long and short term. Talk regularly – a conversation around money shouldn’t be a one-off, but a regular conversation. [You could also] speak to a financial counsellor, who can provide some guidance around some of your goals.  

It can be awkward to bring up the move-in topic. What’s the best way to do this?

These kinds of conversations can be daunting and can make you feel vulnerable, so don’t be judgemental towards yourself if you’re finding the conversation difficult. Starting the conversation by telling your partner you find it difficult is a really helpful starting point and may reduce some of the awkwardness. 

What are the benefits of living separately?

There’s more opportunity to get to know your partner before making the decision to move in. [You can] enjoy other experiences first, such as living with friends or alone. [And there’s] less pressure to make decisions around finances, locations, etc.  

And if things go wrong, is it ever okay to move out again?

If living together is creating stress or putting pressure on the relationship, then moving out might be a really wise decision. Taking a step back to work on issues while living separately can be helpful if both parties are on the same page.

For more advice on moving out with a partner, head here.